She won't talk to me

Andrew Asks:

I am a 21 year old college student who has been dating a 30 year old woman for the past year and a half. The first six months were great. Fantastic. We started fighting more after we moved in together after only a few months. Over the course of the next 8 or 9 months we fought a lot and were on and off and I ended up moving out. The age difference is a tough one sometimes but I am absolutely in love with this woman - and she has said the same many many times. I have never cheated on her or done anything like that. I did lie to her about something sort of small about where I went one night and she found out and calls the relationship over. I can’t get a hold of her. She has blocked my phone number and has done it before but always ended up unblocking me again. I am just so scared that she is for real over this time and I don’t want that to happen. I am absolutely convinced that we can get back together and I can be a great boyfriend to her, the best I’ve ever been. I want to make her the happiest girl in the world. I can’t just get a hold of her at all. She won’t talk to me. I am very stuck here and am going through a very, very hard time. I can't think right because I am so stressed out and I’m afraid it’s going to affect my school work, and work. I need some help on how to get her back.

Andrew (21, Charleston, Illinois)

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Andrew,

Although the age difference did not appear to be an issue in the beginning, it really is an obstacle for a lasting relationship. A relationship that has moved as quickly as this one did is not one that is based on a solid foundation, but instead on physical attraction and that is not enough to sustain a relationship.

I know you are heartbroken right now, but it will get better in time. I do encourage you to guard your heart in the future ... and the best way to do that is to get to know the women you date and hold off on the intimacy. When you cross that line, everything gets intense and you lose focus of your priorities and true goals.

In the meantime, as difficult as it will be for you, please stop trying to contact this woman and start spending time with friends who are your peers. You are a completely different stage in life than a 30 year old woman is - regardless of what you think you feel right now. I know it does not feel like it right now, but you will find in time that God gave you a huge blessing when He allowed this relationship to end. I encourage you not to stare at the door He closed to love, but look ahead to the open door He has for you to walk through.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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My wife loves me but isn't in love with me

Rob Asked:

“My wife tells me she loves me but is not in love with me. She tells me that her mind is made up that is over, but her heart still has something. I tell her I can stay with a friend for a while and give her space, but she doesn’t want that. She wants to try and fall back in love with me. How should I go about this. Rob (33, Virginia Beach, VA)

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Rob,

Husbands and wives do not fall out of love with each other over night and in your marriage it is important that you start opening the lines of communication and figure out what has gone wrong. Your wife is willing to work on your marriage and open to regaining those feelings of love she believes are not there right now.

The fact that she is committed to making your marriage work is a very positive sign, and she needs to know that you are equally committed to doing whatever it takes to get on the other side of this crisis. I encourage you to seek counseling from a person who basis their advice on solid Christian values. It is an important step towards healing whatever has led your wife to declare this statement that she is not in love with you.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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Why did she take my compliment as an insult?

Kevin from Virginia Asks:

“I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure.” I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?”

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Kevin,

As you experienced, many women are very sensitive when it comes to their shapes and unfortunately, most of those mindsets are negative. Your comment, well-intentioned as it was, in essence reminded this attractive woman of a negative defining moment in her life.

In the future (especially with women you just met), I encourage you to compliment their outfit or a particular feature such as her warm smile or beautiful eyes for example. There is so much pressure from the images women see in the media and society to be a particular size and shape, so remember that even the most confident, shapely woman may have in the back of her mind a negative body image.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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How Can I Build Self-Esteem after my Break-up?

Sandra writes:

“I have been with my boyfriend (ex now) for four years, during that time I lost all of my friends because I was spending all my time with him and because they didn’t like him. He cheated on me and manipulated me and I believe this has had an effect on my self-esteem. I have never been a confident person but I feel even worse off now. we only just broke up and I need to know what I can do to continue on with my life and forget about him and meet some new people.”

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

One of the most challenging things in life is to rebuild from the ground up ... and in essence that is what you are doing emotionally and spiritually. You entered into a high chemistry relationship and were blinded in many ways as you can now see. True and lasting love does not incorporate control and manipulation in order to keep that love. These fear based feelings that drive high chemistry relationships are very detrimental to self esteem, but the good news is that you can regain what you do not possess right now with the help of God.

It is when you allow yourself to surrender to Him and trust that He will guide and direct your steps, especially in love, that you will being to build your confidence and self-esteem. I encourage you to find a church that you feel comfortable with and start making connections with people who can help you on this journey. There is not one person who has not gone through a personal struggle in this life and although you may feel isolated, know that there are many people who want to help you and can empathize where you are and how you are feeling. It is important to reach out for this help so you can heal and then share and encourage others when you get on the other side of this heartbreak and pain. Be thankful that God pulled you out of this relationship so you can have a fresh new start and rebuild your relationships.

It is important that you also use this time to reflect on why you allowed this type of person to have such a strong hold over you and what feeling you were trying to capture. The more you can search you heart and ask God for wisdom and guidance in future relationships, the better your choices will be in love. Many times when we don’t look at our role in why certain people were in our lives, we end up attracting the same type of experience all over again. The “packaging” may be completely night and day, but the feelings ... the end result will be the same.

I also encourage you to be very proactive when it comes to what you want in a relationship ... the characteristics and qualities that make up that person and your relationship goals. It is important that you build on a solid foundation of mutual faith in God, love, trust and respect. When those components are in place, you have the makings of a wonderful start to a long term relationship!

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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Should I play the waiting game?

Skyler from Arkansas Asks:

“My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months now. Everything started off perfect ... we fell for each other fast but everything we said and did was meant with love in our hearts. About a month and half ago we split but, only for one day and got back together.

About three weeks ago she started to change some, acted annoyed with me did talk to text much. We finally brought the situation up to each other and she said that she had been kind of depressed. Three night ago we had a deep conversation about our relationship. She said that she doesn’t feel the same as she used to. She still loves me but not the same way. She says she wants to be with me and hopes that her feelings change but she doesn’t think they will.

I really care about her and want to be with her but I’m not sure what I should do. Should I play the waiting game and hope that her feelings go back to the way they were or should I get myself out of the agony my heart is going through in hope that maybe she will love me after I’m gone?”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Skyler,

I know this is a painful and heartbreaking time for you to realize that the person you love does not share the same feelings for you anymore. Even though you are young, it is important to be very mindful of the type of person you allow into your intimate circle. What may be going through your mind is that she will suddenly realize that she loves you once you are out of her life and will want to come back to you.

The type of relationship you have now - one where you are with someone who doesn’t love you the way she did in the beginning is not a good pattern for you to set up. If you mentally and emotionally tell yourself that you will take the crumbs of life, then you will find that type of pattern repeat not only in love, but other important areas. There is no reason why you cannot be in a loving, emotionally healthy, trusting relationship with someone who shares your life goals, values and morals.

One important exercise I ask my clients to do is to compose a visualization of the type of person they desire to ultimately share their life with long term. Even though you probably are not at that point right now to consider marriage, it is a step that you can do today so you can start drawing in people who share similar life goals. If you can see yourself in the type of relationship you visualize, you will be able to eventually have that experience.

For now, my advice is to break off this relationship and allow God to open the right door to love in His perfect will and timing. You both deserve real and lasting love and by taking a stand for what you want at this point, you will be one day closer to the love you seek.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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Should I stay, or should I go?

Judy from Danbury, CT Asks:

I am currently dating a 47 year-old man who got divorced a few years ago, has two children, loves me and respects me. However, in the beginning, he thought it would be nice to have a child together, but now he realized that he might not want to do that again! On my side, a part of me feels that having a family is a woman’s duty to complete in life, on the other hand, since I’ve been quite independent, maybe I don’t need a child in life. Second, from speaking with one of my co-worker, she feels that I should be number one, not the children from the first marriage.

Again, I think I understand both possible answers. Third, I was supposed to move in when he finally purchase his house(although it’s a buyer’s market, he has limited funds to purchase what he likes, I’ve been living with him for about a year and a half, he pays for the rent and I help pay for groceries etc. And I still pay my roommate for storage because his place is too small for both of us). Anyway, I was to move in like a roommate and help pay electrical bill and such… then eventually get married. However, do you think I am going down the right path, or should I leave now before it’s too late? We already had a small conversations about my feelings, he understands and respects my decision either way, also, a part of him feels that I could have a better offer. Please help, thank you!”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Please do not try to rationalize away the dreams and desires you have in your heart for marriage. I understand how easy it is to look at both sides of what is being proposed to you and wanting to make this relationship work. At 29, you most certainly deserve to be married to a man who has his priorities in order ... meaning his relationship with God is first, your marriage and relationship with you, children, and then everything else.

Like many divorced men, he has a sense of guilt over the failed marriage and tries to overcompensate by having these skewed priorities in an attempt to make up for not being there full time for his children. After living together for all this time, I believe you have a sense that he is not very serious about getting married anytime soon.

I strongly encourage you to break off this arrangement and allow the right relationship and true love to come into your life. I know you have a lot invested in this relationship emotionally but I can assure you that before you know it, many years will have gone by and you can very well be in this same state of limbo.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married to a man who shares your life and relationship goals. Once you take this step of faith and not settle for less than marriage and family, then the right door to love will open. You will be able to look back on this experience as a positive turning point in which you began receiving the blessings God has in store for you.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

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Is flirting cheating?

Alisha Writes:

I’m 23 and have been in a very strong relationship for the past 6 years. However whenever I meet some good looking guys i can’t help myself. I end up flirting with them. It’s not that I don’t love my beau, but somehow I feel attracted to them. It makes me feel alive and good whenever I flirt and at the same time I feel guilty for cheating on my guy. Is this abnormal? Why is this happening? I can’t help it.

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Alisha,

While it is normal from the perspective that our physical instincts are drawn to and desire to flirt with people we consider highly attractive, I believe it is a behavior can refrain from - if you want to.

One question you may want to ask yourself is what needs are not being met in your current long-term relationship in which you are drawn to these experiences? If you were truly fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and physically you would not bring these situations into your life. Of course that does not mean you have to stop being a friendly person to others, but it appears that you take it a step beyond and for that moment act as if you are single and available. Thus the guilt sets in and you feel as if you are cheating on your significant other.

It is my belief that once you open these small doors in your mind and say that this is acceptable behavior within a committed relationship, then you will quite possibly move that line even more in the future. From all my coaching experience over the past 25 years, people end up having emotional affairs and then physical affairs by first telling themselves that it is okay to engage in these "harmless" conversations with others.

I encourage you to look at the larger picture of your life goals and evaluate what it is that you want from your current relationship. I encourage you to have an honest conversation about how you want to feel in this relationship - instead of looking for that gratification and emotional high elsewhere.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!