Love or Friends with Benefits?

Julie from Portland, Oregon writes:

 

"A few years ago I met a guy, whom I dated for a while. I would often lose touch for long periods of time (I would stop calling, emailing, texting, IMing, etc) not because I wasn't interested, only because I wasn't really into him at the time and I had a lot going on. We would meet up once in a while for breakfast or lunch every six months or so. Over the past year, I got out of a bad relationship, and he shortly broke up with his girlfriend thereafter. Ever since, we have communicated more often and we have gotten much closer and have a much stronger bond (in my opinion). 

Over the past three months, we have gotten back into dating each other. We have seen each other every week now it seems (probably would more if our schedules weren’t so conflicting), and after four years of friendship, we are now intimate. I know he cares about me, because he often expresses so. He is always telling me “I deserve someone better than the men I've dated in the past", tells me I'm beautiful every chance he gets, calls me pet names like, sweetie, baby doll and love (but has always called me sweets), has posted pictures of me and the two of us together on his personal websites, things of that sort. 

So for now, I guess my question is, should I count on this going anywhere? Does this guy who has been my friend all these years want more, am I friends with benefits (which is something I don’t want to be, btw)? I care about this guy very much, and I don’t want to lose him, problem is, I’m falling for him, and afraid of telling him so. I’d rather have him in my life as a friend, that not in my life at all… 

I know, my best bet, is to ask him direct…I was just hoping to get another’s point of view on the situation.

Thanks so much!"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Julie,

As hesitant as you are about putting the whole relationship/friendship on the line, now is the time to make sure your goals are in sync with each other.  There is not any easier way to address this issue other than expressing your feelings for him and then hear what he says.  It certainly can be uncomfortable to be completely honest and vulnerable by sharing your heart with this guy, but you do need to know before you have too much invested emotionally.  If you do not have the same goals, it is better to know now so you can be open to the right relationship coming into your life.  The years have a way of going by so quickly and you are at an age where you need to be very mindful of who you are allowing into your life.  

It is my belief from a Christian perspective that being intimate before marriage does not lead to God’s best for a life long committment.  I say this in sincerity because there is such a high tendency for this type of confusion to set in and block the love that you seek.  Once you have communicated your feelings, anything less than his expression of love for you and the goal of wanting to mary you needs to be your signal to stop this course your romantic life has taken.  A trap many women fall into is very similar to what you are experiencing.  The guy will say that he is unsure of what he wants and says he would like to see where what you have together leads.  From my years of work as a matchmaker, I can tell you with certainty that men do know what they want and when they meet the right woman, she will know without question.  

Many people decide to stay in relationships that are fine - not what they consider the loves of their lives - but comfortable because of past history, mutual interests and friendship.  While friendship is a component of a solid foundation for a long term relationship leading to marriage, it is very important that you know now if this guy is making the transition to love or if he’s thinking more along the lines of friends with benefits.  It is my belief that your intuition is telling you he is not wanting to progress into a committed relationship, which is why you asked the question in the first place.  Please follow that inner voice and know that this is one of the main ways God tries to communicate to us when we are making decisions that can alter life courses. Once you have taken this step of faith and are not willing to compromise of what you want in a relationship, God will open the best door to love.  It will be more than you can imagine!

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