Office Friendship Turned Love, But Not Mutual - How Do I Cope?

Charmaine from Qatar asks:

"I am already 31 years old and I am in love with my best friend. He is not the same nationality as me. We have been best friends for almost two years now. We became close because we are in the same department at work. Before I was secure that he'd be with me even though we are only friends. But lately, he told me that he'll be into a fixed marriage and he likes it. I told him about my feelings and that I am in love with him.  He said he only treats me as his best best friend and nothing more. 

Now it affects both our careers, because he acts as if nothing happened between us. He is want to continue the same routine as we had before. I cannot live with it because I am hurting more everyday I see him. So, I decided to tell him that I cant be his friend and not talking to him in the office. We always fight because of that. I want to be as professional as possible, but I don’t know how to act that way because it's hurting me so much. I don’t want to lose him but losing him will really heal me in a way. Please advise me what to do."

Relationship Advice from Nancy:

Dear Charmaine,

I agree that it is quite difficult to be in this not only emotionally painful situation but also professionally awkward situation.  You allowed yourself to be completely open and vulnerable with this man and he did not return your feelings.  That in itself is a stab in the heart, but the only way we can receive the love we seek - by expressing our desires to the person we love.  There will be a period of grieving - for not having your feelings of love reciprocated and also for what you had together as friends.  

From this point, there is no turning back as he has clearly stated that he is planning on an arranged marriage and is comfortable with that idea.  In your email you said that you are not the same nationality. From my work as a relationship coach and former matchmaker, I truly believe that the happiest and most fulfilling marriages come from shared beliefs, morals, values, life and relationship goals.  With this nationality difference, there probably were many other life views that would have been obstacles in a romantic relationship.  

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but when you look back on what you believed you wanted with this man, you will see what a huge blessing it was that it did not work out and progress to romance.  

As for now and until you find your heart healed, I encourage you to take the following steps:

Maintain a professional level of communication with him when it is necessary.  

• Do not go out of your way to find out any details about his life and encourage your co-workers not to tell you any personal information about him.  All that does is open the wound again.

• Work together as little as possible.

• Do not text, email, phone each other.  If he is communicating with you like this on a personal level, tell him that you cannot continue your friendship because you wanted more from the relationship.  There is nothing to apologize for wanting him to respect your decision and give you the time and space you need in order to heal.  Do not allow yourself to get into an argument over your decision as there is no room for compromise.  

• Get busy. In your personal life you need to get busy and not sit at home thinking about what could have been with this man.  Resist the temptation to go over what happened in your mind and focus on the present moment.  Surround yourself with your friends and family and try new activities.

With a full social calendar and a positive outlook that the right man will return your love, you will find yourself healing each and every day.  

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?   

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