Why Can't He Leave Her for Me?

Sad from Trinidad asks Nancy

 

"I met this guy four years ago and it was love at first sight.  We were really close friends who talked about each and everything with one another.  However after a year and a half due to work, we lost touch with one another. I found someone who was really insecure and did not want me talking to any other guy besides him.  So whenever my first friend called me, my boyfriend would get really upset and and angry so I decided to cut all communication period. About a year and a half after we got back in contact and to my surprise my friend informed me he had a baby. I was in total shock and disbelieve, and since then we kept in touch. We even took our past friendship to a whole new level. But the thing is he is telling me we can’t have a full pledge relationship with me because of his girlfriend.  The only reason they are still together is because of his daughter.  But we sneak out and spend the night together and talk on the phone most of the day. He pledges his love to me and I happen to do the same. The situation is so messed up, My boyfriend started abusing me so I called it quits with him. My friend is still with his baby mama and me, but I can’t understand why?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Sad,

The key to relationships is treating yourself with love and respect and expecting that same treatment in return.  You appear to have a core belief that you do not deserve an emotionally healthy relationship and are attracted to the highs and lows of high chemistry relationships.  I know right now because it is happening to you, this appears to be a very complicated matter.  If you take a step back, you will see the common denominator is you!  We like to believe that it is the other person who needs to conform their way of thinking, but in fact it is always about us - who we are attracting, the feelings associated with that attraction and those circumstances we are trying to recreate in our romantic relationships from childhood.  

You did make a decision to move forward with your life with someone else and then find it shocking that this man did the same.  My advice is to stop seeing this man right now because he is clearly not available to you for a relationship.  If you stay, all you will receive is the breadcrumbs - little moments here and there.  I encourage you to examine why you believe this is acceptable behavior.  You are more than worthy of a relationship with a man who is happy to be with you full time in a committed relationship.  Someone who loves only you.  But first you need to do some emotional and spiritual work and figure out how you arrived at this place and start visualizing where you want to be  in the future with the right person.  

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?   

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