Rachel from Parkersburg, WV writes:
"This might be long, so I'll attempt to keep it as short as I can. I come from a very small town where unfortunately there is not much left in the "available" department. It's my theory that there are only three types of guys left here in this town: 1. gay, 2. something mentally/psychologically wrong with them 3. they are single because they want to be.
With that in mind, I joined a dating site to try to meet someone different. A guy that I seemed-quazi interested in contacted me and we chatted quite a bit. I et him be the "one to pursue" and we then talked on the phone several times before meeting. We seemed to get along well and I continued to let him be the one to contact me first and whatnot. I don't want to seem needy/annoying/desperate. Anyways, after telling me how interested he was and how he was wanting something "serious" with me, he then decides that maybe I'm not right for him because of our "lack of common interests" but still wanted to be friends.I kind of thought it was a cop-out response and was surprised but I really liked talking to him (what guy talks to a girl for an hour or two every day? ) so I accepted the friends offer obviously knowing that I wanted more.
He continues to give me mixed signals, letting me in one minute and then pushing me away the next. I know he is older with a "checkered player past" (he's 39 and divorced and I'm 25) but he says "he's different now" and admits he's afraid of letting someone in and states that I "get him like no one else ever has" and then five minutes later covers it up with a joke, a deflection, so forth.
I guess my issue is whether I should believe those moments where he opens up and try to continue to talk to him and give it time without pressuring him to make a decision (its been about 2 months of this), or just chalk it up to once a player always a player and just accept that he's playing games with me just to get me to bed (the guy has admitted that the worst thing a guy can do is give in easily and not be a "challenge" to a girl). If I didn't enjoy his company so much I would say to heck with him, but like I said, small town, not much of a selection and I am attracted and interested in the guy...anyways, just wondering which type of guy this seems to be and what whether I should stick with it or throw in the towel. Thanks."
Nancy's Relationship Advice:
First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for opening up another potential door for love to enter your life. That initiative is very positive. First, let’s talk about this older man who wants only a “friendship” with you. He clearly states that he has vulnerability issues and is afraid of letting anyone in emotionally.
As you are experiencing, this phone friendship is allowing him to receive emotional validation from you without the heavy lifting that is required in a real relationship. So he can essentially dump all his problems, issues, concerns and whatnot on you and then be on his merry way. Of course you “get him” because I imagine you are a sympathetic listener and are feeding his emotional needs. He is saying enough to keep you thinking that the tide may turn soon and you can then become a real couple. This set up does not set the stage for a promising friendship and certainly will not lead to a relationship as you state you desire at some point.
I understand it is frustrating and lonely to be in a small town in which you do not see potential relationship choices on the horizon, but that is not a reason to settle for less that you deserve. My advice is to end this phone friendship and make yourself truly available.
I’d like to also address your mindset about the quality of single men in your town. While at this moment, it appears that every man you know fits a particular criteria in unavailability, I encourage you to start looking at life in a different way. God can open the right door to love for you no matter where you live if you have faith. It is my belief that if you believe no one is available to you, then you will have that exact experience in life. It is faith, but in the wrong direction.
The goal is to put your thinking on a positive path, after all, you are only looking for one right one! I encourage you to join other dating sites, do as many new activities as possible and most importantly, present an available persona wherever you go and with the people you encounter on a regular basis. Even if all these men in your town are unavailable in one way or another, you never know who they know and what door may open as a result of your positive attitude and strong faith.
You are more than deserving of experiencing love in a committed relationship leading to marriage and need to start declaring that over your life. When you believe it can happen to you, I guarantee you will see those results.
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