Did I take my wife for granted?

Shawn writes:

"My wife has recently dropped the I love you but I am not in love with you. She seems emotionally checked out. We have been married for almost 8 years. And we have two young and amazing children together. About a year ago we had a falling out. She said the same thing then but thus far we were working on it, so I thought. It did get better.. Things were going great. What happened last year was that I decided to go back to school, I thought she approved.

My school was more of a trade school so it cost quite a bit. She has been going to school when she could, when we could afford it. So needless to say this was a huge deal for us. But at the time we never argued, and hardly talked about our emotions. I really thought she was good with it, she even helped co-sign for me. But when I did it, she got upset because she said I should have known that we couldn't afford it, and that she has been going to school off and on when we could afford it for years.

On top of that she was upset because I haven't been there like I should have been over the years as a father and as a husband. I really didn’t see how much I hurt her until all of this was talked about and brought up. About a month later she tells me one night, that she had developed emotions for another guy, who was a friend of ours growing up. She had been texting him back and forth. When she told me about it I found out who it was and asked her to stop texting him She agreed. She says it never got physical..

I was still crushed, but did every thing in my power to change. I went to counseling. And I've paid attention to her wants, needs, and cares. So I thought.... Fast forward to today.. She seems a little distant, again, and something is off when I try and kiss her she is not connecting. I always ask if their is something wrong, and she always says no, or that she's just tired. Finally it hits bottom when she finds out I was looking at her cell phone calls and texts on the bill. She is now very upset, distant, and says she needs time to figure us out. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She says she is confused. She just wants to do want she wants to do right now. I just need some advice... I don't know if I should just give up? I don’t want to, but its so hard not to.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

When your wife’s emotional needs were not met within the marriage, she turned to someone who would validate her feelings. Of course, this is not morally right but many times women get to a breaking point and need to talk to someone they perceive who cares about their needs.

From what you are describing, she feels like her career goals were placed on hold throughout the marriage for financial reasons and only agreed to pursue those educational dreams when extra money was available. In her eyes, this was tolerable until you decided to pursue your educational goals and from reading your email, it sounds like you made a decision without truly consulting her opinion.

It wasn’t so much that she disapproves your goal, but it was her breaking point. This situation opened the floodgates for all the unspoken anger and resentment she has suppressed over the years. It appears that for whatever reason, communication skills were not worked on throughout your marriage and she did not receive validation in the manner that makes her feel loved from you.

It is important that you learn what she needs to feel your love. I can assure you that we are all different and what you need to feel her love is probably much different from what she needs. That would be one step you can actively take towards repairing your marriage.

Reading between the lines, it seems that she feels you have taken her for granted over the years and over time that feeling has taken root and brought much resentment into her heart. If you are both willing to work on your marriage, it would be highly recommended that you start couple’s counseling. It will provide an opportunity to get these feelings out in the open and work through them - together as a couple as well as individually.

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