Sian Asks:
My ex-boyfriend and I were dating for two years, and we had lived together for the past ten months. We were madly in love. We argued and fought, but this was not out of the norm for people who live together, although his mom kept telling him that it wasn’t normal. Anyway, his grandma died a little over a month ago and he went to stay with his father for a while to help him. I was very supportive off this and he was asking me to go and stay there with them because he missed me.
Then I got a text one day saying he was moving out and we were finished. I started with the text terrorism, (ha ha) and then I came to my senses and stopped. I have seen him since then and we were still laughing and joking, but he is very resentful towards me because I haven’t crumbled and have just got on with my life. I took on the no contact rule, and was doing well, although he was constantly texting me telling me he loved me and missed me and it was killing him. He wishes it wasn’t like this, but thinks its best to “let me go” but is worried he might regret it for the rest of his life. I decided to ask him if he wanted to get together and talk about it because I feel life is far too short for regrets! He said no and we should just move on.
At this point I got annoyed, because I thought he is just keeping me on a back burner till something better comes along. If he had regard for me or my feelings he wouldn’t keep texting me with things like “I was thinking yesterday that maybe I couldn’t carry on without you, but I know its the right thing to do.” Who seriously who says hurtful things like that? I am actually convinced that there will be a better person suited to him than me. I realize that he will meet other people and maybe get on with them well, but I just don’t think he will have what we had again or close to it… Everyone used to comment on how much of a great couple we were and well suited. He used to tell me he had never met anyone who he got on with as well in his life, and I was his best friend.
I just want him to wake up and realize that what he’s doing is silly, and it’s hurting us both unnecessarily. I don’t understand why if you love somebody you just don’t want to be with, it’s not like we had major relationship problems. I am having such a hard time understanding it all because it doesn’t make sense!! I need some help to either get over him or make him understand. I don’t want to be a needy ex-girlfriend, but it just baffles me……
Nancy’s Relationship Advice:
Dear Sian,
It appears that you have made the best out of the situation and chose the correct path for getting on with your life. You are right that your ex-boyfriend’s actions are baffling and it is not fair to you or the memory of what you had together to continue this type of contact. Every time he communicates with you, he is sending a message that he is thinking about you and regrets his decision. It also allows you to go back in time and wonder what if things had been different.
Even though you have made much mental and emotional progress towards moving forward, I understand how difficult it is to hear his voice and then wonder what happened to that relationship. I do encourage you to keep on this path and do not look to the past for your future. If anything, his behavior offers you another glimpse into his true character. If he loved you, he would stop texting you with these remarks and really let you go. However, you can take further control of your life and block his text messages from now on. It may seem extreme, but you need to send a clear message that he cannot come in and out of your life when he feels lonely.
This relationship was a chapter in your life in which you can learn from and grown emotionally and spiritually. You can take these lessons into your next serious relationship and build on a better foundation for lasting love. I know you believe that arguments are normal in relationships, but constant bickering is not a healthy sign. I hope that you will look back and assess what you experienced ... true differences of opinions in which you were trying to come to an agreeable compromise or bickering. In my experience as a relationship coach, the positive times together need to outweigh the negative.
Lastly, I encourage you to reconsider living together prior to marriage with anyone in the future. Although it appears that you have a very positive and well adjusted attitude towards life and relationships, crossing this line without the commitment of marriage opens you up to potential heartbreak and pain that may be very difficult to overcome.
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