Sally writes:
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We recently moved in together. He has two boys and an ex-wife who is not exactly my favorite. His son tells her he likes me but does not like living with us, however he tells his dad he is fine with it.
How do I get my boyfriend to not want to leave me because he thinks his son is lying to him about how he really feels? Because he told her something different, he thinks if he stays with me he is hurting his child. What can I do to make him understand that if he is telling him he is okay with it and he needs to believe his kid says he feels over his what he supposedly told his mom. Any help?
Nancy's Relationship Advice:
First of all, as a parent your boyfriend’s main priority is making sure that he is providing an emotionally stable, loving home environment. Obviously the child feels stuck in the middle … wanting to please both parents and saying what he believes they want to hear.
As with many divorces, the child feels as if the break up was somehow their “fault” and will vow to be good from now on. And sometimes in a young child’s eyes, saying things that they do not feel in order to gain the approval of each parent is the right thing to do.
That said I believe it would be wise for you to figure out where you want this relationship to go. His son and ex-wife are part of the package and with children involved, it is paramount that you sit down and define your relationship and mutual goals. Living together and seeing what happens is not the best choice for you, for your boyfriend or for his son. Living together is simply not God's best for your life and is not the way to fulfill your relationship needs, goals and desires. Usually what happens, one person will be okay with status quo and the other person will want to get married. And adding to this, his children will develop an emotional attachment to you so it is very crucial that you and your boyfriend communicate in a very clear manner with one another where you are taking your relationship.
I understand that you do not want your boyfriend to break up with you because of what his son has said, but try to place yourself in his position. One of your goals as a couple should be to bring as much peace and harmony into your life as a family, so his son feels loved, welcomed, and secure.
Of course there is no way to control what his mother says, but as a couple you can present a good relationship role model for him. The decision you need to make is where you see your life with this man going and working together to make that vision a reality.
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