Relationship Advice by Nancy Pina

Keys to Relationship Success

2010-05-16T11:41:00.003-07:00

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Can you recognize what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like? If you have not experienced the right kind of love, relationship expert Nancy Pina will show you the characteristics and qualities of a solid relationship. By building on a strong foundation you will start experiencing the kind of relationship that God intends for your life.

Why Wrong Relationships are So Appealing

2010-05-16T11:41:00.001-07:00

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Learn why the wrong person lights up your emotional radar and sends you down romantic paths that lead to unfulfilling and unloving relationships. If past heartbreak and pain prevents you from opening the door to a new relationship, today?s show highlights how you can break free of self-imposed barriers to love. ?Join relationship expert Nancy Pina and discover how you can heal from past relationship pain once and for all.

7 Secrets for Relationship Success

2010-05-16T11:40:00.003-07:00

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Recognizing an emotionally healthy relationship is equally as important as working through emotional barriers to love. The key is to know what is acceptable behavior and what is not; learning to receive love that builds you up instead of tears you down; and embracing your authentic self. ?Today?s show addresses the building blocks of a committed relationship. ?Relationship expert Nancy Pina reveals her insight to the qualities and characteristics that are vital to creating a solid foundation to build a relationship upon.

Visualizing Right Relationships

2010-05-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

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Thinking negative thoughts about yourself, about relationships and their potential outcome and about the way you will be treated in love definitely sets the stage for relationship failure. Renewing your mind is a necessary and vital step towards attracting the right relationship. Relationship expert Nancy Pina shares how to overcome mindsets that hinder your desire to experience the love that you so deserve.

Love or Drama: What's Behind High Chemistry Relationships

2010-05-16T11:39:00.001-07:00

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Overwhelmed with an all-consuming, intense relationship that dominates your life? ?Relationship expert Nancy Pina reveals guidelines to guard your heart from one-dimensional love. ?Discover the top characteristics and behaviors that signal high chemistry relationships before you become involved.

How to Renew Your Mind and Attract the Right Relationship

2010-05-16T11:38:00.001-07:00

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The thoughts, words and mindsets you have about relationships have creative power and determine the course of your life. ?One important component to attracting an emotionally healthy relationship is visualizing that experience before it happens. Dominate thoughts and descriptive words bring those relationships to you. Relationship expert Nancy Pina shares how to take charge of any negative mindsets and positively transform your mind so you can experience the love God has in store for you.

She won't talk to me

2009-11-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

Andrew Asks:

I am a 21 year old college student who has been dating a 30 year old woman for the past year and a half. The first six months were great. Fantastic. We started fighting more after we moved in together after only a few months. Over the course of the next 8 or 9 months we fought a lot and were on and off and I ended up moving out. The age difference is a tough one sometimes but I am absolutely in love with this woman - and she has said the same many many times. I have never cheated on her or done anything like that. I did lie to her about something sort of small about where I went one night and she found out and calls the relationship over. I can’t get a hold of her. She has blocked my phone number and has done it before but always ended up unblocking me again. I am just so scared that she is for real over this time and I don’t want that to happen. I am absolutely convinced that we can get back together and I can be a great boyfriend to her, the best I’ve ever been. I want to make her the happiest girl in the world. I can’t just get a hold of her at all. She won’t talk to me. I am very stuck here and am going through a very, very hard time. I can't think right because I am so stressed out and I’m afraid it’s going to affect my school work, and work. I need some help on how to get her back.

Andrew (21, Charleston, Illinois)

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Andrew,

Although the age difference did not appear to be an issue in the beginning, it really is an obstacle for a lasting relationship. A relationship that has moved as quickly as this one did is not one that is based on a solid foundation, but instead on physical attraction and that is not enough to sustain a relationship.

I know you are heartbroken right now, but it will get better in time. I do encourage you to guard your heart in the future ... and the best way to do that is to get to know the women you date and hold off on the intimacy. When you cross that line, everything gets intense and you lose focus of your priorities and true goals.

In the meantime, as difficult as it will be for you, please stop trying to contact this woman and start spending time with friends who are your peers. You are a completely different stage in life than a 30 year old woman is - regardless of what you think you feel right now. I know it does not feel like it right now, but you will find in time that God gave you a huge blessing when He allowed this relationship to end. I encourage you not to stare at the door He closed to love, but look ahead to the open door He has for you to walk through.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

My wife loves me but isn't in love with me

2009-11-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

Rob Asked:

“My wife tells me she loves me but is not in love with me. She tells me that her mind is made up that is over, but her heart still has something. I tell her I can stay with a friend for a while and give her space, but she doesn’t want that. She wants to try and fall back in love with me. How should I go about this. Rob (33, Virginia Beach, VA)

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Rob,

Husbands and wives do not fall out of love with each other over night and in your marriage it is important that you start opening the lines of communication and figure out what has gone wrong. Your wife is willing to work on your marriage and open to regaining those feelings of love she believes are not there right now.

The fact that she is committed to making your marriage work is a very positive sign, and she needs to know that you are equally committed to doing whatever it takes to get on the other side of this crisis. I encourage you to seek counseling from a person who basis their advice on solid Christian values. It is an important step towards healing whatever has led your wife to declare this statement that she is not in love with you.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Why did she take my compliment as an insult?

2009-11-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Kevin from Virginia Asks:

“I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure.” I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?”

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Kevin,

As you experienced, many women are very sensitive when it comes to their shapes and unfortunately, most of those mindsets are negative. Your comment, well-intentioned as it was, in essence reminded this attractive woman of a negative defining moment in her life.

In the future (especially with women you just met), I encourage you to compliment their outfit or a particular feature such as her warm smile or beautiful eyes for example. There is so much pressure from the images women see in the media and society to be a particular size and shape, so remember that even the most confident, shapely woman may have in the back of her mind a negative body image.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Can I Build Self-Esteem after my Break-up?

2009-11-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

Sandra writes:

“I have been with my boyfriend (ex now) for four years, during that time I lost all of my friends because I was spending all my time with him and because they didn’t like him. He cheated on me and manipulated me and I believe this has had an effect on my self-esteem. I have never been a confident person but I feel even worse off now. we only just broke up and I need to know what I can do to continue on with my life and forget about him and meet some new people.”

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

One of the most challenging things in life is to rebuild from the ground up ... and in essence that is what you are doing emotionally and spiritually. You entered into a high chemistry relationship and were blinded in many ways as you can now see. True and lasting love does not incorporate control and manipulation in order to keep that love. These fear based feelings that drive high chemistry relationships are very detrimental to self esteem, but the good news is that you can regain what you do not possess right now with the help of God.

It is when you allow yourself to surrender to Him and trust that He will guide and direct your steps, especially in love, that you will being to build your confidence and self-esteem. I encourage you to find a church that you feel comfortable with and start making connections with people who can help you on this journey. There is not one person who has not gone through a personal struggle in this life and although you may feel isolated, know that there are many people who want to help you and can empathize where you are and how you are feeling. It is important to reach out for this help so you can heal and then share and encourage others when you get on the other side of this heartbreak and pain. Be thankful that God pulled you out of this relationship so you can have a fresh new start and rebuild your relationships.

It is important that you also use this time to reflect on why you allowed this type of person to have such a strong hold over you and what feeling you were trying to capture. The more you can search you heart and ask God for wisdom and guidance in future relationships, the better your choices will be in love. Many times when we don’t look at our role in why certain people were in our lives, we end up attracting the same type of experience all over again. The “packaging” may be completely night and day, but the feelings ... the end result will be the same.

I also encourage you to be very proactive when it comes to what you want in a relationship ... the characteristics and qualities that make up that person and your relationship goals. It is important that you build on a solid foundation of mutual faith in God, love, trust and respect. When those components are in place, you have the makings of a wonderful start to a long term relationship!

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Should I play the waiting game?

2009-08-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

Skyler from Arkansas Asks:

“My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months now. Everything started off perfect ... we fell for each other fast but everything we said and did was meant with love in our hearts. About a month and half ago we split but, only for one day and got back together.

About three weeks ago she started to change some, acted annoyed with me did talk to text much. We finally brought the situation up to each other and she said that she had been kind of depressed. Three night ago we had a deep conversation about our relationship. She said that she doesn’t feel the same as she used to. She still loves me but not the same way. She says she wants to be with me and hopes that her feelings change but she doesn’t think they will.

I really care about her and want to be with her but I’m not sure what I should do. Should I play the waiting game and hope that her feelings go back to the way they were or should I get myself out of the agony my heart is going through in hope that maybe she will love me after I’m gone?”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Skyler,

I know this is a painful and heartbreaking time for you to realize that the person you love does not share the same feelings for you anymore. Even though you are young, it is important to be very mindful of the type of person you allow into your intimate circle. What may be going through your mind is that she will suddenly realize that she loves you once you are out of her life and will want to come back to you.

The type of relationship you have now - one where you are with someone who doesn’t love you the way she did in the beginning is not a good pattern for you to set up. If you mentally and emotionally tell yourself that you will take the crumbs of life, then you will find that type of pattern repeat not only in love, but other important areas. There is no reason why you cannot be in a loving, emotionally healthy, trusting relationship with someone who shares your life goals, values and morals.

One important exercise I ask my clients to do is to compose a visualization of the type of person they desire to ultimately share their life with long term. Even though you probably are not at that point right now to consider marriage, it is a step that you can do today so you can start drawing in people who share similar life goals. If you can see yourself in the type of relationship you visualize, you will be able to eventually have that experience.

For now, my advice is to break off this relationship and allow God to open the right door to love in His perfect will and timing. You both deserve real and lasting love and by taking a stand for what you want at this point, you will be one day closer to the love you seek.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Should I stay, or should I go?

2009-08-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Judy from Danbury, CT Asks:

I am currently dating a 47 year-old man who got divorced a few years ago, has two children, loves me and respects me. However, in the beginning, he thought it would be nice to have a child together, but now he realized that he might not want to do that again! On my side, a part of me feels that having a family is a woman’s duty to complete in life, on the other hand, since I’ve been quite independent, maybe I don’t need a child in life. Second, from speaking with one of my co-worker, she feels that I should be number one, not the children from the first marriage.

Again, I think I understand both possible answers. Third, I was supposed to move in when he finally purchase his house(although it’s a buyer’s market, he has limited funds to purchase what he likes, I’ve been living with him for about a year and a half, he pays for the rent and I help pay for groceries etc. And I still pay my roommate for storage because his place is too small for both of us). Anyway, I was to move in like a roommate and help pay electrical bill and such… then eventually get married. However, do you think I am going down the right path, or should I leave now before it’s too late? We already had a small conversations about my feelings, he understands and respects my decision either way, also, a part of him feels that I could have a better offer. Please help, thank you!”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Please do not try to rationalize away the dreams and desires you have in your heart for marriage. I understand how easy it is to look at both sides of what is being proposed to you and wanting to make this relationship work. At 29, you most certainly deserve to be married to a man who has his priorities in order ... meaning his relationship with God is first, your marriage and relationship with you, children, and then everything else.

Like many divorced men, he has a sense of guilt over the failed marriage and tries to overcompensate by having these skewed priorities in an attempt to make up for not being there full time for his children. After living together for all this time, I believe you have a sense that he is not very serious about getting married anytime soon.

I strongly encourage you to break off this arrangement and allow the right relationship and true love to come into your life. I know you have a lot invested in this relationship emotionally but I can assure you that before you know it, many years will have gone by and you can very well be in this same state of limbo.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married to a man who shares your life and relationship goals. Once you take this step of faith and not settle for less than marriage and family, then the right door to love will open. You will be able to look back on this experience as a positive turning point in which you began receiving the blessings God has in store for you.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Is flirting cheating?

2009-08-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

Alisha Writes:

I’m 23 and have been in a very strong relationship for the past 6 years. However whenever I meet some good looking guys i can’t help myself. I end up flirting with them. It’s not that I don’t love my beau, but somehow I feel attracted to them. It makes me feel alive and good whenever I flirt and at the same time I feel guilty for cheating on my guy. Is this abnormal? Why is this happening? I can’t help it.

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Alisha,

While it is normal from the perspective that our physical instincts are drawn to and desire to flirt with people we consider highly attractive, I believe it is a behavior can refrain from - if you want to.

One question you may want to ask yourself is what needs are not being met in your current long-term relationship in which you are drawn to these experiences? If you were truly fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and physically you would not bring these situations into your life. Of course that does not mean you have to stop being a friendly person to others, but it appears that you take it a step beyond and for that moment act as if you are single and available. Thus the guilt sets in and you feel as if you are cheating on your significant other.

It is my belief that once you open these small doors in your mind and say that this is acceptable behavior within a committed relationship, then you will quite possibly move that line even more in the future. From all my coaching experience over the past 25 years, people end up having emotional affairs and then physical affairs by first telling themselves that it is okay to engage in these "harmless" conversations with others.

I encourage you to look at the larger picture of your life goals and evaluate what it is that you want from your current relationship. I encourage you to have an honest conversation about how you want to feel in this relationship - instead of looking for that gratification and emotional high elsewhere.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Can I accept his money?

2009-07-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

Tyisha writes:

I am believer for close to a year now and am in a committed relationship. The thing is while we were unsaved i had no problems accepting money from him. He helps me with traveling expenses for school and whatever else my parents may not be able to give me at times. I am also a second year college student. I do not know if i should accept money from him knowing that although we are committed, we are not married. I recently rejected money from him and he was quite upset. I know his intentions are to help and nothing more but it is okay? Also we may be getting married in less than a year.

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

From what you have described, I do not see anything wrong with accepting your fiancees' monetary help. You are in an established, committed relationship with a man you are going to marry and he is showing his support for your continued education and furthering your dreams in this manner. It would be one think to accept money from a man you were only dating, but this does not appear to be the case. In the Bible, Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." So when your fiancee helps you out and is supportive of the dreams and desires that God has placed in your heart, he is not only fulfilling his duty as your future husband, but also is receiving many blessings from God by helping you reach your goals.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

He's Upset That I Moved On

2009-07-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

Sian Asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I were dating for two years, and we had lived together for the past ten months. We were madly in love. We argued and fought, but this was not out of the norm for people who live together, although his mom kept telling him that it wasn’t normal. Anyway, his grandma died a little over a month ago and he went to stay with his father for a while to help him. I was very supportive off this and he was asking me to go and stay there with them because he missed me.

Then I got a text one day saying he was moving out and we were finished. I started with the text terrorism, (ha ha) and then I came to my senses and stopped. I have seen him since then and we were still laughing and joking, but he is very resentful towards me because I haven’t crumbled and have just got on with my life. I took on the no contact rule, and was doing well, although he was constantly texting me telling me he loved me and missed me and it was killing him. He wishes it wasn’t like this, but thinks its best to “let me go” but is worried he might regret it for the rest of his life. I decided to ask him if he wanted to get together and talk about it because I feel life is far too short for regrets! He said no and we should just move on.

At this point I got annoyed, because I thought he is just keeping me on a back burner till something better comes along. If he had regard for me or my feelings he wouldn’t keep texting me with things like “I was thinking yesterday that maybe I couldn’t carry on without you, but I know its the right thing to do.” Who seriously who says hurtful things like that? I am actually convinced that there will be a better person suited to him than me. I realize that he will meet other people and maybe get on with them well, but I just don’t think he will have what we had again or close to it… Everyone used to comment on how much of a great couple we were and well suited. He used to tell me he had never met anyone who he got on with as well in his life, and I was his best friend.

I just want him to wake up and realize that what he’s doing is silly, and it’s hurting us both unnecessarily. I don’t understand why if you love somebody you just don’t want to be with, it’s not like we had major relationship problems. I am having such a hard time understanding it all because it doesn’t make sense!! I need some help to either get over him or make him understand. I don’t want to be a needy ex-girlfriend, but it just baffles me……

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Sian,

It appears that you have made the best out of the situation and chose the correct path for getting on with your life. You are right that your ex-boyfriend’s actions are baffling and it is not fair to you or the memory of what you had together to continue this type of contact. Every time he communicates with you, he is sending a message that he is thinking about you and regrets his decision. It also allows you to go back in time and wonder what if things had been different.

Even though you have made much mental and emotional progress towards moving forward, I understand how difficult it is to hear his voice and then wonder what happened to that relationship. I do encourage you to keep on this path and do not look to the past for your future. If anything, his behavior offers you another glimpse into his true character. If he loved you, he would stop texting you with these remarks and really let you go. However, you can take further control of your life and block his text messages from now on. It may seem extreme, but you need to send a clear message that he cannot come in and out of your life when he feels lonely.

This relationship was a chapter in your life in which you can learn from and grown emotionally and spiritually. You can take these lessons into your next serious relationship and build on a better foundation for lasting love. I know you believe that arguments are normal in relationships, but constant bickering is not a healthy sign. I hope that you will look back and assess what you experienced ... true differences of opinions in which you were trying to come to an agreeable compromise or bickering. In my experience as a relationship coach, the positive times together need to outweigh the negative.

Lastly, I encourage you to reconsider living together prior to marriage with anyone in the future. Although it appears that you have a very positive and well adjusted attitude towards life and relationships, crossing this line without the commitment of marriage opens you up to potential heartbreak and pain that may be very difficult to overcome.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Why doesn't He say I love you?

2009-07-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Liz from Texas writes:

“My boyfriend and I have been together seven months he still hasn’t said I love you. We both decided to break up then he said he loved me and he didn’t want to break up after all. He said he might or might not love me and to give it time. Does he want to be with me or not? Will he ever be able to love me? Why didn’t he leave me when he had the chance?”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Liz,

I know it is difficult to hear that the person you love does not return your feelings and wants “time” to see if his feelings turn deeper for you. I know from my experience as a matchmaker and relationship coach over the past 25 years that men will be very proactive when they meet someone they love.

You probably share a great friendship, mutual backgrounds, outlook, interests, etc. but that feeling of love is just not there for him. Perhaps he is sincere about wanting to see if his feelings change, but I advise you to allow this relationship to end as you mutually agreed to. There is such a huge difference between love with someone who knows they are in love with you and being in a relationship with someone who likes and adores you, but does not feel a deep love.

Please take this time to think about what you really want in a committed relationship - the type of characteristics that person will possess and how you will feel in that relationship. These visualizations are very important so you can recognize the right person when he enters your life.

There is absolutely no reason in the world for you to settle for a relationship that does not meet the dreams and desires that are in your heart. Prolonging this relationship will only cause more heartache in the future. Investing even more time and energy into trying to make something work that was not meant to be is not in your best interest - and you deserve and should expect the very best in life and love.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work through?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

She loves me but thinks I'm too young

2009-07-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Rohan writes:

I am 25 year old guy and am in love with 33 year old woman. She is a widow and having a baby. I love her and she also loves me, but she is not ready to marry or live with me. She is afraid what people around will say. She is willing to marry again but with someone older than her and who would be acceptable to others. She wants my opinion about this and if I think it would it will be good if she marries another guy.

She says if I promise to live happily in the future then only she will marry another guy. The problem with me is that my family will not accept her so I also can’t do anything. And I know living alone my whole life is not possible. She also needs some happiness in her life and a father to her baby. But the problem is that if she talks about any other guy I can’t control myself and I become very upset. So I am totally confused what advice to give her.

So Nancy please help me out of this problem and give me the right decision which will be beneficial for all of us.

Waiting for your reply...............

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Rohan,

I know how difficult it is to let someone go whom you love, but I do believe that is the best approach to this situation. As you stated, she desires to marry someone older and wants a father to her child. She appears unwilling to marry you because of the age difference, and I imagine your family's lack of acceptance has a lot to do with it as well.

Rohan, a lasting, loving relationship needs a solid foundation. I know your heart hurts when she talks about marrying someone else, so I do encourage you to break off this relationship with her as soon as possible. It is important that you take care of your heart and allow her to find happiness and in turn God will bring the right person into your life.

You will be amazed how good God is when you allow Him to do His will in your life when you take a step of faith and surrender your will.

Am I Cheating?

2009-07-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sharma writes:

I am 21 yrs old, engineering student. I am in a relationship with a classmate for the past two years. He is normally very rude and agressive with me. He is a rough man, and I have slowly adjusted to him. He usually is very busy and gives negligible time to me. We often have fights regarding this subject and he is also a man with orthodox thoughts. He normally has problems with the way I dress etc. He is away to his hometown for a month and we rarely talk.

Meanwhile I found someone on the internet (aged 24), became friends and we are now very close to each other. He is very charming and pampers me a lot. We have exchanged phone numbers and have met once. I have not told anything about this to my boyfriend. If he gets to know about this, he'll surely kill me or make my life a living hell.

Should I stop talking to my new friend??

Am I cheating on my boyfriend? Please help. I have a constant guilt pricking me but I like to talking to this new guy also.

What should I do?

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

I would like you to ask yourself why you are involved with a man who is very rude and aggressive with you. That behavior is not the basis for a loving, emotionally healthy and lasting relationship. I know you have two years into this relationship, but it is quite unhealthy for you.

Because your emotional needs are not being met, you have reached out to someone who will fulfill that desire to feel loved and connected. Although you are not physically involved with this new guy, you are having an emotional affair with him. I encourage you to end your relationship with your boyfriend and continue developing a solid foundation with this new young man.

I also encourage you to guard your heart in the future and be very careful with who you give your time to romantically. It is very important that you are mindful about how you conduct yourself in relationships so you do not form patterns that will be difficult to break in the future.

If a guy is attracted to you, but does not treat you with the love, respect and kindness you deserve, please do not be pressured to enter into a relationship with that person. Stand up for what you want and do not allow yourself to be manipulated by anyone, especially in love. Also, in the future, if you are unhappy in a relationship, it is best to address those issues openly and honestly before looking elsewhere for fulfillment.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Can I Move Forward after my Break-Up?

2009-07-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

Helen writes:

I'm 33 years old my son father is 38. Here is a little of my past history. My son father left me last year for a 47 year old woman he had been seeing for about 6 months before he left. He moved in with her right after he moved out our son has not met her. On the days he has our son he stays with his mother. He has now been seeing her for 2 years now and our son knows nothing about her. I met her for the first and only time the first of the year she said that she really does not want anything to do with my son but she will not be mean to him.

When I talk to my ex, I ask when he plans to let our son meet her and he said he did not know. He said it could be another year but he may marry her one day. Which hurt because we were together for 13 years before he walked out and never married. My question is why the wait? And also this is bad on me but we still sleep together about once to twice a month. I know I should not because I don't love him the way I did. I'm just not ready to see other men. I feel really bad for the other woman and I don't know why. I don't understand how can he want to marry someone if he can't be faithful to her.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

I understand how confusing it is to be in this situation. On the one hand, you do not want to accept that the relationship is over so you continue to sleep with him. Many times women do this because the former relationship is familiar and simply because they feel alone and lonely. Of course the bad news is that this behavior keeps you in the same situation and does not allow you any room to work through its ending and move forward with your life. In essence, you are stuck emotionally and really not wanting to let go of the attachment to the father of your son. Which is understandable, but now it is time for you to take charge of your life.

I encourage you to first stop sleeping with him - it is very damaging. Second of all, I encourage you to focus on your own personal healing and working towards the goal of getting emotionally and spiritually stronger. Please go not waste your time and energy trying to figure out what's going on in your ex's current relationship. From all my experience, he probably will not marry her - and even if he does eventually do that, it will be a bridge you cross at a later time. The positive news I believe is his wisdom in keeping your son away from this woman. As she stated to you, she does not want any involvement with him and that they have not met is a good thing for your son. He can't form an emotional attachment if he doesn't know anything about her or have any contact with her. It is my opinion that focusing on your priorities in life ... your son and your emotional recovery will be the best thing you can do for yourself - and for your son in the long run.

I know this is very hard to do and naturally your mind wants to analyze everything excessively. I do encourage you to stop doing that as it is counterproductive to getting on the other side of this heartbreak. God has the right person for you, but it will be up to you to work towards emotional healing and becoming well prepared for the right person to enter your life. Keep in mind that the more time and effort you invest in yourself, the more benefits your son will gain through your work.

Do you have a relationship question? For a reply, email Nancy for advice!

Why am I Jealous of his Children?

2009-07-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Demore writes:

I am a 35 year single mom dating a single dad for the past 5 months. We are both raising our children on our own. His son is 7 years old and my daughter is 11 years old. He is a great father who puts his son first. I am feeling jealous because when we do things together and the kids are around, he does not pay much attention to me. He can only call late at night after his son is asleep.

We just went to a hotel for the weekend and I felt like we were on 2 different family vacations. His son wants and demands all of his attention. I feel there is very little interaction between us when the kids are around. I asked him to come sit outside with me on the porch so that we could talk when the kids were inside watching television. He said I'll let you know and then went back inside to lay down with his son. He came 30 minutes later.

Throughout the night I was feeling hurt and I was drinking quite a bit. Later on that night after the kids went to sleep I asked him if we could go outside and talk. He said talk about what and no that it was too muggy. Then I got very upset and asked why he couldn't give me the time of day. He said not when you're acting like that. I went outside, slammed the sliding glass door hard and threw a plastic cup in the air calling him an a hole. I was hurt and I acted the wrong way.

I thought his son was asleep but he wasn't. He packed up his stuff and took his son home that night. He said I have a drinking problem and I was violent around his kid. In the past 5 months we have dated, I have drank very little around him. He has seen me buzzed one other time. I have never acted this way before and I'm ashamed I acted that way. He has not called and I don't know if I should just accept that its over or try to apologize. This happened 2 days ago.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Right now, while you are in the middle of the aftermath of this outburst, it may seem like the problem is in this particular relationship. The truth is that you appear to have a core belief that the people you love do not place you in a position of importance in their lives. A sense of worth is one of the needs that God places in each one of us and when that need is unmet in our formative years, we end up searching for ways to fulfill it, particularly in our romantic relationships. It is vital that you trace back this feeling as far back as you can remember so you can get to the root of this unmet need.

Because of this belief, you will magnify situations such as with this man interacting with his child. You see that behavior as his rejection of you and your relationship and if you add alcohol to the mixture, you say and/or do things that you later regret. Your feelings are definitely valid, but they are exaggerated because of something in your past that you have not resolved and forgiven. Whoever first made you feel unimportant and unworthy of love is where you need to start. Until you acknowledge what happened, work through your past pain and hurt and then take steps towards forgiveness, you will repeat this type of relationship pattern with other men in the future.

Now is the perfect time for you to break free of this thinking and renew your mind with the positive thoughts God has about you. You are more than worthy of an emotionally healthy, mutually loving, trusting and respectful relationship leading to marriage. The key will be your belief that it can happen for you and that God will open the door - not only to healing, but to that perfect relationship He has in store for you. I have some free exercises you may want to download to get started on this journey on my website: www.rightrelationshipstv.com

Will my Boyfriend's Kids Dictate our Future?

2009-07-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

Sally writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We recently moved in together. He has two boys and an ex-wife who is not exactly my favorite. His son tells her he likes me but does not like living with us, however he tells his dad he is fine with it.

How do I get my boyfriend to not want to leave me because he thinks his son is lying to him about how he really feels? Because he told her something different, he thinks if he stays with me he is hurting his child. What can I do to make him understand that if he is telling him he is okay with it and he needs to believe his kid says he feels over his what he supposedly told his mom. Any help?

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

First of all, as a parent your boyfriend’s main priority is making sure that he is providing an emotionally stable, loving home environment. Obviously the child feels stuck in the middle … wanting to please both parents and saying what he believes they want to hear.

As with many divorces, the child feels as if the break up was somehow their “fault” and will vow to be good from now on. And sometimes in a young child’s eyes, saying things that they do not feel in order to gain the approval of each parent is the right thing to do.

That said I believe it would be wise for you to figure out where you want this relationship to go. His son and ex-wife are part of the package and with children involved, it is paramount that you sit down and define your relationship and mutual goals. Living together and seeing what happens is not the best choice for you, for your boyfriend or for his son. Living together is simply not God's best for your life and is not the way to fulfill your relationship needs, goals and desires. Usually what happens, one person will be okay with status quo and the other person will want to get married. And adding to this, his children will develop an emotional attachment to you so it is very crucial that you and your boyfriend communicate in a very clear manner with one another where you are taking your relationship.

I understand that you do not want your boyfriend to break up with you because of what his son has said, but try to place yourself in his position. One of your goals as a couple should be to bring as much peace and harmony into your life as a family, so his son feels loved, welcomed, and secure.

Of course there is no way to control what his mother says, but as a couple you can present a good relationship role model for him. The decision you need to make is where you see your life with this man going and working together to make that vision a reality.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Important is Money in my Relationship?

2009-07-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

Cathie writes:

I am in a relationship with a guy that earns much less money than I do because his own business has gone bankrupt. He does not have any savings and in the past 2 years he has been working in a small company with a low salary since he is treated as fresh graduate. He is planning to move to a more established company once he has mastered knowledge and completed a significant project there. Though I feel his current company does not treat him fairly, I trust his judgement.

Despite his unfortunate financial condition, he is a very kindhearted man. He respects my opinion, comforts and encourages me in difficult situations, pays attention to me that makes me feel very loved. After my abusive years with my previous boyfriend, he is such an angel to me. He accepts me for who I am. He never judges me. I am in love with him. Though he earns less money, he always pays when we are together. He never asks me for money, or asks about my salary. He said that it is a man's responsibility to pay for everything, especially when we are not married yet. He told me that to be patient with him for another 2 years since he estimates in the next 2 years, he will be able to fund a small wedding for me and 1 year housing rental. It can be faster, if he can find better company to work for. We are both 33 years old and he believes in marriage as a goal to a serious relationship, though we only have been dating for 4 months. Of course, he never takes me to expensive places or buys me expensive gifts.

My doubt is the expectation of my family and friends. They believe a poor man is nicer because he nothing to be proud of and I will not be happy if I become the breadwinner in the family. Currently I totally disagree with them, but am afraid if what they say is true. I am afraid I am not being realistic since raising a family is not about love only and money plays an important part. Though I can afford raising a family and even buying a small house all by my income, they still believe that it should be a man's job.

Should I let go or keep this relationship? Am I being realistic or not with the relationship? Currently I always bring this doubt to my prayers ...

Thanks a lot for your advice

Warm regards,

Cathie

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Cathie,

I understand that your family and friends mean well and more than likely have your best interests at heart when they advise you on your relationship and future with this man. However, this is your life and you must follow your intuition and heart.

From what you have written, he possesses qualities and characteristics that are very positive for a long term relationship. He is kindhearted, treats you with respect, is emotionally supportive and validates your feelings and best of all, you love each other. It appears that he has a plan for the future and is working towards a more lucrative financial position. He sees this stage in his career as a learning process, not a place where he plans to stay.

He also has his priorities in order in that he knows that in marriage he will be the head of the household. That simply means he takes his responsibility of providing for you and future children seriously and does not expect you to figure out how to financially care for a family. Yes, money does play a role in raising a family, and it appears that your boyfriend understands this fact.

My advice is to give this relationship a chance to grow and focus on getting to know each other better, deepening your bond and solidifying a strong foundation of mutual love, respect, trust and friendship during this time. I also encourage you to stop thinking fearful thoughts about the future, especially in regard to your boyfriend’s ability to earn a larger income.

As I see it, this situation is an opportunity for you to really place your trust in another person you say you love and be supportive of his efforts. Please do not allow fear to talk you out of a positive relationship with a man who loves you.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Will This Relationship Work?

2009-06-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Eduardo from Cohocton, New York asks:

I am in love with a woman that says she is in love with me. We have been chatting on cam and without cam and also gave to each other our email and yahoo IM username and password 3 weeks ago because she told me that she was insecure about me. I am also insecure about her because as I see it she was saying and acting in ways that seemed as if she was interested in another man. Two days ago we talked about how she feels that I do not trust her and lack confidence in her. I told her that when I ask her a specific question she answers with a question. She also jumps topics when I am trying to talk to her about something.

When I notice that her actions and words do not agree, she avoids the question I have asked her, and says just enough by not being specific. She asked me what do I want to happen with us. I told her that we should keep going and learn from the misunderstandings of what has happened and learn from it. She took a little while to answer the question and then said that she was confused and wished me happiness and health and could not tell me straight out that our relationship is at an end. I told her that if she wanted to delete her name from my yahoo IM then I left it up to her. We agreed to break up, and when I signed out of the IM she signed in my IM and then I checked to see if she deleted name and she did not.

Today she texts me telling me sorry that she is so guilty about what she said to me and asked for my forgiveness and if it was okay if I could not then it is okay. At least she already said sorry to me. I replyed back to her text and told her that I have no reason to not forgive her, and she has the freedom to make the choices and find the answers she needs to know if she made the right decision for her and her daughter. I do not know what she wants from me, or even if she really loves me as she has told me before. I do not know what to expect or do next concerning how I feel and if I should give her as she told me just to love her.

Can you help me understand what is going on with her?

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Eduardo,

It is very difficult to make this type of relationship work and as you experienced even with a webcam and other forms of communication. All the technology does not make up for time spent together in person. That said, I encourage you to keep in mind that relationships bring out the challenges each of us need to address and work through in order to experience true and lasting love.

From your email, you comment on your trust and confidence issues with this woman. As a relationship advisor, I can confidently state that this is probably not the first time you have had this experience in your romantic relationships. If you look back on your significant past relationships, I believe you will find a pattern of trust issues with other women.

It is not who you are involved with per se, but your core belief that the people you love will eventually betray you. In essence, this is faith in reverse. You are believing for a negative experience, anticipating that it will happen and then actually finding yourself in that predicament.

My advice to you is to take a break from relationships and pause for self reflection. If you do this and work through the reasons why you believe that you will be betrayed in love, then you can prepare yourself for an emotionally healthy relationship that is based on mutual love, trust and respect.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Did I take my wife for granted?

2009-06-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Shawn writes:

"My wife has recently dropped the I love you but I am not in love with you. She seems emotionally checked out. We have been married for almost 8 years. And we have two young and amazing children together. About a year ago we had a falling out. She said the same thing then but thus far we were working on it, so I thought. It did get better.. Things were going great. What happened last year was that I decided to go back to school, I thought she approved.

My school was more of a trade school so it cost quite a bit. She has been going to school when she could, when we could afford it. So needless to say this was a huge deal for us. But at the time we never argued, and hardly talked about our emotions. I really thought she was good with it, she even helped co-sign for me. But when I did it, she got upset because she said I should have known that we couldn't afford it, and that she has been going to school off and on when we could afford it for years.

On top of that she was upset because I haven't been there like I should have been over the years as a father and as a husband. I really didn’t see how much I hurt her until all of this was talked about and brought up. About a month later she tells me one night, that she had developed emotions for another guy, who was a friend of ours growing up. She had been texting him back and forth. When she told me about it I found out who it was and asked her to stop texting him She agreed. She says it never got physical..

I was still crushed, but did every thing in my power to change. I went to counseling. And I've paid attention to her wants, needs, and cares. So I thought.... Fast forward to today.. She seems a little distant, again, and something is off when I try and kiss her she is not connecting. I always ask if their is something wrong, and she always says no, or that she's just tired. Finally it hits bottom when she finds out I was looking at her cell phone calls and texts on the bill. She is now very upset, distant, and says she needs time to figure us out. She says she doesn't know what she wants. She says she is confused. She just wants to do want she wants to do right now. I just need some advice... I don't know if I should just give up? I don’t want to, but its so hard not to.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

When your wife’s emotional needs were not met within the marriage, she turned to someone who would validate her feelings. Of course, this is not morally right but many times women get to a breaking point and need to talk to someone they perceive who cares about their needs.

From what you are describing, she feels like her career goals were placed on hold throughout the marriage for financial reasons and only agreed to pursue those educational dreams when extra money was available. In her eyes, this was tolerable until you decided to pursue your educational goals and from reading your email, it sounds like you made a decision without truly consulting her opinion.

It wasn’t so much that she disapproves your goal, but it was her breaking point. This situation opened the floodgates for all the unspoken anger and resentment she has suppressed over the years. It appears that for whatever reason, communication skills were not worked on throughout your marriage and she did not receive validation in the manner that makes her feel loved from you.

It is important that you learn what she needs to feel your love. I can assure you that we are all different and what you need to feel her love is probably much different from what she needs. That would be one step you can actively take towards repairing your marriage.

Reading between the lines, it seems that she feels you have taken her for granted over the years and over time that feeling has taken root and brought much resentment into her heart. If you are both willing to work on your marriage, it would be highly recommended that you start couple’s counseling. It will provide an opportunity to get these feelings out in the open and work through them - together as a couple as well as individually.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Genuine is His Love?

2009-06-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Nadin from Cairo writes:

"My boyfriend says he loves me and his actions show it too. He's very caring and protective of me and talks about me in his future a lot. He says that when we are married with a great family he will be the happiest and most satisfied man alive. However, he had an ex-girlfriend who passed away who also was my best friend. I introduced them and they only met once before she left town. They stayed together for a month and then she passed away. Even though it was a short relationship, he loved her very much. I was there and saw everything that happened with them and helped them out a lot. He loved her very much and she changed him a lot. Now sometimes when he's depressed, he just closes up and doesn’t talk to anyone - even me - and remembers her. Sometimes I just can’t help think that he may still have feelings for her. If he does, how come he loves me like he says he does? I know he loves me, it's proven in his every little action.. but sometimes I feel like he still has issues with her death. I don’t know what to do. I back away and give him his time at these times, but if he still has issues should I leave him? We talked and he said that some things are over to him, especially that he found out a couple of things that hurt him about her. I don’t know what I should do. I am not jealous of her but need to do what's best for him and need to know if it's true that he loves me or not. Should we go on or should I just back away if it's better for him? I really wish I could do the best thing for him but I just can't figure it out. By the way, I never asked him for anything - not for a relationship or a date and I didn’t even try to have any sort of relationship with him. It was all his effort from the start. He was the one who asked me out a couple of times at the beginning and he was the one who started with the word I love you and he says it all the time - every single day, even when I don’t reply back. But does he really? He's an amazing guy and I don’t want to loose him, but I would if it's necessary for him."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

It is tragic that your best friend passed away at such a young age and I’m sure that you are also grieving her death. As your intuition is telling you, your boyfriend’s love for you is not genuine at this point. Many times when people pass away suddenly, the survivors look to common friends in order to stabilize themselves. It is my belief that your boyfriend is definitely in mourning and needs time alone to work through his feelings of grief. What he is experiencing is perfectly normal, but he is not in a good emotional place to start a committed relationship with you - or anyone else. I suggest that you take a break from each other and allow him the time and space he needs to process those feelings. If your relationship with each other is meant to be, then that door to real and lasting love will open. You want to base any potential relationship with this guy from an emotionally healthy place and right now, he’s not there. You deserve to have genuine love in your life with a man in which you are sure of his love, and do not have any lingering doubts of that love. I also encourage you as hard as it may be to move forward with your life and not place yourself on hold, waiting for him to work through those feelings. Mourning is different for everyone, and there is not a set time frame. Right now, he is living in the past and allowing his thoughts to go to what could have been with this young woman. Although you see him as an amazing guy and understandably do not want to let the relationship go, at this point, it is the only way for him face the past and work through his sorrow.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Can I Make My Future Wife Care About Us?

2009-06-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Duff from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada asks:

Ok, heres my story. I met my fiancee 2 1/2 years ago, 2 weeks into our relationship she told me she was pregnant. I didn’t care and I was willing to have the instant family. Things were good between us for a long time. She had a baby girl and I love her like my own. We moved in together and a year and a bit into the relationship I'll admit I wasn’t the greatest person to be around. I wasn't mature yet and still a kid. I played computer games more than I paid attention to her. When I wasn’t doing that I was studying for the air traffic control course I am in. She would have to beg me to make love. Recently she has joined the military to take her career as a dental assistant a bit further. She’s been gone almost 3 months and I’m taking care of the now 2 year old girl. I realize what I have done and how much I love her and the girl. She says she doesn’t care about "us" anymore but she still loves me and still said yes when I proposed. I told her all the things I have done to change while she’s been gone such as reading about how to change myself and be more of the emotional caring type. I’ve started doing the things she’d been nagging me to do for the year prior such as just calling to say I love you, write poems or hold hands. I even tried different spices on food (I never used to like it but she does). I don’t know what to do to "win" her back again. I know she loves me and doesn’t "want" to leave but if she doesn’t care about us then things wont get better. I cant stand thinking about her leaving me now especially that I’m so attached to this gorgeous two year old girl.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Duff,

Before you marry each other, it is important that you work through these issues and address her feelings of why she does not care about the relationship anymore. The good news is her statement that she does love you and does not want to leave. However, it is vital that you both work towards the core reason why she made the statement that she does not care about your relationship anymore. Especially with a young child involved in the picture, it is important that if you marry that you present a positive role model for her daughter to look up to. She will use your relationship as the basis for her future adult relationships, so keep that in mind.

Every relationship provides lessons about ourselves and reflects back challenges we need to work through in order to experience true and lasting love. You appear to have taken time for self-reflection and see how your past behavior was not meeting the needs of your fiancee. If you can work together to get a better understanding of what will make your relationship mutually beneficial and rewarding, then you have a very good chance of relationship success.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Can a Player Make a Commitment?

2009-06-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

Rachel from Parkersburg, WV writes:

"This might be long, so I'll attempt to keep it as short as I can. I come from a very small town where unfortunately there is not much left in the "available" department. It's my theory that there are only three types of guys left here in this town: 1. gay, 2. something mentally/psychologically wrong with them 3. they are single because they want to be.

With that in mind, I joined a dating site to try to meet someone different. A guy that I seemed-quazi interested in contacted me and we chatted quite a bit. I et him be the "one to pursue" and we then talked on the phone several times before meeting. We seemed to get along well and I continued to let him be the one to contact me first and whatnot. I don't want to seem needy/annoying/desperate. Anyways, after telling me how interested he was and how he was wanting something "serious" with me, he then decides that maybe I'm not right for him because of our "lack of common interests" but still wanted to be friends.I kind of thought it was a cop-out response and was surprised but I really liked talking to him (what guy talks to a girl for an hour or two every day? ) so I accepted the friends offer obviously knowing that I wanted more.

He continues to give me mixed signals, letting me in one minute and then pushing me away the next. I know he is older with a "checkered player past" (he's 39 and divorced and I'm 25) but he says "he's different now" and admits he's afraid of letting someone in and states that I "get him like no one else ever has" and then five minutes later covers it up with a joke, a deflection, so forth.

I guess my issue is whether I should believe those moments where he opens up and try to continue to talk to him and give it time without pressuring him to make a decision (its been about 2 months of this), or just chalk it up to once a player always a player and just accept that he's playing games with me just to get me to bed (the guy has admitted that the worst thing a guy can do is give in easily and not be a "challenge" to a girl). If I didn't enjoy his company so much I would say to heck with him, but like I said, small town, not much of a selection and I am attracted and interested in the guy...anyways, just wondering which type of guy this seems to be and what whether I should stick with it or throw in the towel. Thanks."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for opening up another potential door for love to enter your life. That initiative is very positive. First, let’s talk about this older man who wants only a “friendship” with you. He clearly states that he has vulnerability issues and is afraid of letting anyone in emotionally.

As you are experiencing, this phone friendship is allowing him to receive emotional validation from you without the heavy lifting that is required in a real relationship. So he can essentially dump all his problems, issues, concerns and whatnot on you and then be on his merry way. Of course you “get him” because I imagine you are a sympathetic listener and are feeding his emotional needs. He is saying enough to keep you thinking that the tide may turn soon and you can then become a real couple. This set up does not set the stage for a promising friendship and certainly will not lead to a relationship as you state you desire at some point.

I understand it is frustrating and lonely to be in a small town in which you do not see potential relationship choices on the horizon, but that is not a reason to settle for less that you deserve. My advice is to end this phone friendship and make yourself truly available.

I’d like to also address your mindset about the quality of single men in your town. While at this moment, it appears that every man you know fits a particular criteria in unavailability, I encourage you to start looking at life in a different way. God can open the right door to love for you no matter where you live if you have faith. It is my belief that if you believe no one is available to you, then you will have that exact experience in life. It is faith, but in the wrong direction.

The goal is to put your thinking on a positive path, after all, you are only looking for one right one! I encourage you to join other dating sites, do as many new activities as possible and most importantly, present an available persona wherever you go and with the people you encounter on a regular basis. Even if all these men in your town are unavailable in one way or another, you never know who they know and what door may open as a result of your positive attitude and strong faith.

You are more than deserving of experiencing love in a committed relationship leading to marriage and need to start declaring that over your life. When you believe it can happen to you, I guarantee you will see those results.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Should I financially support my boyfriend?

2009-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Athandiwe writes:

I’ve been involved with this guy I love him so much and he loves me too. The thing is he has a newly established company and he doesn’t want to look for a job as he believes in himself. I also believe on him but the problem now he is struggling even to pay a rent. As we always together, I sometimes buy food of which I don’t have a problem. Now he is asking for money. He says he has no food. I promised to give him some money but something came up and I had to use the money.

I sent him an SMS apologizing and he didn’t reply. When I call him he says he feels like he is not important to me and that I make him last on my list. He is so angry with me and doesn’t reply my sms’s because he says he has no airtime.

Please help me understand if it is right to give men money as I believe it's suppose to be the other way around. I really love him but he is putting me in an awkward situation.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

It is great that your boyfriend has ventured on his own and strongly believes in his business. And as his girlfriend, I believe what he should expect from you is emotional support - not financial support. Statistically, it generally takes five years for a new business to turn a profit. With that in mind, many people work two jobs - their dream business and a job to pay the bills until their company becomes financially secure.

Even though you are in a committed relationship, you are not married and it is not your position to support him in this manner. In the Bible it talks about how the man is the head of the household and has a responsibility to earn money and support his wife and family. So you are correct that in a marriage, the man is to be the primary breadwinner. Even though you are not married, that does not mean that you are somehow obligated to support him because of the individual decision he made to start a business without having enough savings on hand during this transition stage.

He is trying to manipulate and guilt you into giving him money. I encourage you not to fall into this trap and stand your ground. If he really loves you, that love will not be conditioned on you supporting his financial needs.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Should I give my boyfriend money?

2009-06-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Curlan writes:

I need your advice about me and my boyfriend. I am in love with this guy. The thing is he cannot make it through every month without being broke. I do help him out and I don't mind but every time I do, he gives his mother out of it to help out his family. I think he shouldn't do that because it doesn't sound right to me. They are in a predictament. His mom and dad are divorced that leaves his mother, brother and him. The house was recently built and they are still paying the mortgage.

His mom pays the mortgage and she's working. He's working but because of their failure to catch vans on morning or after hours to go home, he decided to buy a car. Half of his salary goes towards paying the loan for the vehicle plus giving his mother something to contribute with expenses and food. In a week he's already broke. He has to drain his bank account every month, so he have no savings whatsoever. So basically he lives from paycheck to paycheck.

To me I don't think if I help him out he should give his mother out of it. Lately I am reluctant to give because of what he does when he receives it. For example if i gave him 100.00 say that will last the week it can't because he gives his mother 50.00 and sometimes he gives his brother (who goes to school) out of it too. It's draining me because when I try to save some money out of my salary, I have to take out and give it to him, plus I have to buy lunch for him sometimes. He doesn't like to ask me for money, and he feels guilty doing it, so sometimes without asking, I give to him. To me it's not fair he's taking the money and giving it to his mother. His mother doesn't even help him out when he can't afford to buy lunch or gas for his vehicle.
And the thing is he tells his mother that I gave him the money.

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

On the one hand, you say you love him and do not mind helping him out financially. But clearly you do because it rubs you the wrong way when he does not spend the money in the manner in which you want him to spend it. When you give, it needs to be from the heart - just as love is from the heart. Otherwise, you are planting seeds of resentment and this will definitely take root inside of you, and that will affect your relationship.

I suggest that you stop giving your boyfriend money and allow him to figure out how best to spend his paychecks. By giving him money, you are enabling him to make the same spending decisions month after month. This is probably creating tension and friction in your relationship. I know it is easy to say that if you don't help him out, then he won't be able to survive. I can assure you that he will be okay and will adjust accordingly. But you need to be strong and not back down from this stance.

Starting this month, have a frank discussion with your boyfriend and tell him that you are not his personal bank anymore. Assure him that you love him but this is causing you too much stress and keeping you away from your personal financial goals. In the bigger picture, if you decide to marry this guy, you do not want to have this behavior established as the norm in your relationship.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Will He Leave Her for Me?

2009-06-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Loretta from Windhoek,Namibia asks:

"I'm in love with a man but he has a girlfriend and every time I ask him about it he changes the subject. So my question is does he really love me as as he says he does?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

My advice to you is to run from this man as quickly as possible. He is not good for you in any way, shape or form and is definitely not available for a relationship. I know you believe you are in love with him, but he is using you and you are enabling him to do so.

I promise if you stand up for yourself and draw the line in the sand, you will open the door to true and lasting love to come into your life. This guy is not going to leave his girlfriend. You must stop this relationship pattern so you do not find yourself in a cycle in which you continue to attract men who are unavailable to you in one form or another. This is a pattern that will strengthen over time if you do not take steps to stop it and figure out why you believe you are not deserving of an exclusive relationship.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Do I Win His Trust Again?

2009-06-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sara from Marshall, VA asks:

"I dated a guy briefly in August of last year. I REALLY liked him, and he never made me doubt how he felt about me. He was constantly telling me how much he cared. One evening he came over to spend some time with me after work. I had a bad day and instead of talking to him about it, I just picked on him all night, and made him feel horrible about himself. The next day he was needless to say very upset with me. I tried to apologize but by that point the damage had been done and by the following week, he broke up with me.

Since he broke up with me, it seems though that he can't stay away. He'll text and occasionally call me on the phone just to see how I'm doing. He always leaves the future open ended with comments like, " Well you don't know what's going to happen down the road." I know he's been burned before in past relationships, and he's made it clear to me that his trust in me is gone. Do you think that we have a shot at a second chance??? I would love to gain his trust back and see where our relationship might lead if we give it another go."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

It appears that he is more attracted to you outside of a relationship where he is not required to be completely open and vulnerable than when he is officially in a committed relationship. He continues to say statements that you can interpret as a possibility for reconciliation but I assure you that he does not have that intention. A man who wants to be with you will not be vague about it and will move heaven and earth to make it happen. I encourage you to let this guy go and stop communicating with him once and for all. You deserve a real relationship with a man who is not afraid of love.

I know you are looking back at one particular incident and telling yourself that was the reason he broke up with you in the first place. I promise that even though that incident pushed his buttons, it was not the core reason why he ran away. In the right relationship, both people give each other room for having a bad day and the grace to talk through it. You did learn the importance of sharing and expressing your feelings as they happen instead of bottling them up and taking out your frustrations on those closest to you. This was a huge blessing that you can incorporate in your future relationship with the right man.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Can I Get Her Back?

2009-06-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hamed from Bahrain asks:

"How can i get back with my ex girlfriend ?

I have been with my ex for eight years now we practically grew up together. We had our bad and good times. In late 2008 her family decided to go back to the U.K. She stayed and the first visit to U.K. was fine. She went for like a week but in December things started to change. We had many arguments and issues regarding trust. For instance, I love her and do trust her but get very worried when I call and she would not answer me. She was supposed to come back before New Year’s but the day she was going to fly she decided not to come.

She broke up with me because she needed time to think. We sorted it out eventually and at the end of January she did come back. The plan was to stay for three months and then go back to the U.K. I planned to follow in the summer. She stayed and we sorted everything out and got engaged. It was an amazing week and after the engagement. She left after the engagement and all was good - she was happy.

After a few weeks, she became moody. Whenever I called while she was out with friends she would get angry when I asked questions like where are you going, what time would she be home etc. I know I did pressure her and that was wrong but suddenly she decided we can’t work it out. She says she is sorry but it’s better like this and that she wants a different life. I’ve tried to e-mail her and she emailed back once but now nothing. I hear that she is having an awesome time going to London Cambridge , and she didn’t know what she was thinking when she got engaged.

I am so hurt it’s been two weeks now and I don’t know what to do. I can’t contact her because she has a different number now. Please tell me what you think. Thank you."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Hamed,

I understand how heartbreaking it is to find yourself on the receiving end of a breakup. Even under the best of circumstances, long distant relationships are difficult to maintain and requires the dedication of both people in the relationship. It appears that she simply was not ready at this point in her life for a committed relationship or for marriage. Once she moved, she decided that she wanted more life experiences before making that important step.

I know it does not seems like a blessing in disguise right now since the heartbreak is so new, but I assure you that you will look back and be very thankful that she was upfront about wanting a new life. Many people go ahead and get married and then act on their desires to act like they are single - and that is of course very damaging to a committed relationship.

There definitely is a girl out there for you in which you will find mutual love. I encourage you in the meantime to learn as much as you can from this experience so you are well prepared for the right relationship. As you mentioned, you had trust concerns with this young woman, and that is an area that I believe would be beneficial to explore. For example, I suggest you ask yourself why you would worry about what she is doing if you say you trust her? It is important to look beyond the surface and see what the triggers were in your relationship that started this fearful reaction.

When you get to the core of why you believe the people you love eventually will betray you, then you will be free of this fear and open and truly emotionally ready for love to come into your life.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Did I lead him on?

2009-06-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sandra from Dublin asks:

This guy I have no interest in has been interested in me for years. About two years ago we became more friendly and he always made me laugh . He chatted me up knowing I have a boyfriend but we never got together . Four months ago his sister accused me of many things that were untrue. He acts like he wants to kill me and gives me dirty looks every time he sees me. It's scary when he looks at me with this evil glare and dirty smirk. His sister and I have had quite a few arguments over the years but he's always keep out of it. Now he's acting weird. Did I hurt his feelings that I was unaware of? It's so out of control please help!

Nancy's Relationship Advice:
By not returning his affections for you, his feelings are hurt. More than likely he looked at your friendliness as a sign that you started to become romantically interested in him. Unfortunately what many of us do is create relationships in our minds and read more into what that other person says and does than is really there. I know it is difficult to be on the receiving end of his dirty looks, but I do encourage you to take a different approach to this situation. If you were in his shoes, I know you would understand his heartbreak by finally realizing (probably through his sister) that you are definitely not interested in him romantically.

Having empathy towards this guy will allow you to put this into perspective. I do not believe he wants to harm you but you may want to keep your distance for a while so he can heal his heart. It is a hard lesson to go through when we realize that not everyone is going to like us. I encourage you to be the bigger person and not try to be extra friendly to him in the hopes that this will blow over. Instead, please give him some space and fill your time with your boyfriend and other pals. It would be the kindest thing you can do at this point.

Can Friendship Turn into Commitment?

2009-06-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Ray from Bowie asks:

"I love this girl sincerely and she likes me as well. We became friends first and have been dating for five months now. We are both extremely close have great time and do almost everything together. However, she does not want a commitment or relationship at this point. I really like this girl so should I keep investing time and hope this turns into a commitment or back off from the relationship completely?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Ideally one begins love with a friendship and that commitment evolves into a relationship. It is wonderful that you have this knowledge at a young age as many times people approach love based on physical attraction only. I encourage you to have a frank discussion about your feelings and be very clear about where you stand and your relationship goals with her. If you believe you have made your intentions abundantly clear and still are faced with her unwillingness to commit to you, I advise that you consider ending the relationship.

Many people try to go back to being just friends after they have crossed the line into love. I can tell you from my vast experience that approach does not work in general. There is always one person who wants more from the relationship and the other person who is happy with the arrangement. You can experience love with a woman you share a deep friendship with and certainly deserve that in a long term relationship.

If this door to love does not open for the long term, I can assure you that by taking a stand and declaring that you are unwilling to settle for less than you deserve, you will find that the right door to love will open before you know it. By staying with a woman who is unwilling or unable to commit, you raise the possibility of forming a relationship pattern that could be unhealthy emotionally in the long run and difficult to break.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

The More She Says No, The More I Want Her

2009-06-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Mike from California asks:
I was seeing someone last summer and thought we had a good thing going. She went to Florida to work for this past winter and we talked on the phone. Then she hung up on me and changed her number so I thought it was over. Then she came back here to work. I just cant seem to let go of her because I have to see her all the time. We made out a few times since she came back but she always has an excuse not to want to go anywhere with me. I know she really does not care for me but I just can not seem to let go of her. We live in a very small community so every one knows every ones business and it just kills me to have to see her all the time. I know I need to just let it go, but I can not seem to."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:
Sometimes what we believe we want is highly appealing simply because that person is unavailable to us. Mentally you already know that you need to let this go and move forward because she has made it very clear that she is not interested. And the more she resists, the more you find yourself wanting to be with her. If you take a step back and imagine that this situation is one that your best friend found himself, I'm sure you would advise him to forget her and point out all the positive traits and characteristics he possesses. And that is the same advise you need to give yourself. And I understand that it isn't as simple as it sounds.

The primary reason why we are attracted to certain individuals who clearly are not emotionally or spiritually healthy is based in the beliefs we formed in our formative years. This situation and the feelings that come from it are familiar to you and that is why you are comfortable with her rejection. The key is to trace back this particular feeling throughout your past relationships and see where it originated. You are not at peace with something that happened to you in the past. I believe this is God's way of allowing those feelings to come to the surface so they can be acknowledged, processed and then worked through. Once you start exploring your feelings and see where these fear based thoughts came from, you will find you have made a significant stride towards eliminating the need to relive this type of rejection and open your heart and mind to true and lasting love.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though? Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Office Friendship Turned Love, But Not Mutual - How Do I Cope?

2009-05-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

Charmaine from Qatar asks:

"I am already 31 years old and I am in love with my best friend. He is not the same nationality as me. We have been best friends for almost two years now. We became close because we are in the same department at work. Before I was secure that he'd be with me even though we are only friends. But lately, he told me that he'll be into a fixed marriage and he likes it. I told him about my feelings and that I am in love with him. He said he only treats me as his best best friend and nothing more.

Now it affects both our careers, because he acts as if nothing happened between us. He is want to continue the same routine as we had before. I cannot live with it because I am hurting more everyday I see him. So, I decided to tell him that I cant be his friend and not talking to him in the office. We always fight because of that. I want to be as professional as possible, but I don’t know how to act that way because it's hurting me so much. I don’t want to lose him but losing him will really heal me in a way. Please advise me what to do."

Relationship Advice from Nancy:

Dear Charmaine,

I agree that it is quite difficult to be in this not only emotionally painful situation but also professionally awkward situation. You allowed yourself to be completely open and vulnerable with this man and he did not return your feelings. That in itself is a stab in the heart, but the only way we can receive the love we seek - by expressing our desires to the person we love. There will be a period of grieving - for not having your feelings of love reciprocated and also for what you had together as friends.

From this point, there is no turning back as he has clearly stated that he is planning on an arranged marriage and is comfortable with that idea. In your email you said that you are not the same nationality. From my work as a relationship coach and former matchmaker, I truly believe that the happiest and most fulfilling marriages come from shared beliefs, morals, values, life and relationship goals. With this nationality difference, there probably were many other life views that would have been obstacles in a romantic relationship.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but when you look back on what you believed you wanted with this man, you will see what a huge blessing it was that it did not work out and progress to romance.

As for now and until you find your heart healed, I encourage you to take the following steps:

Maintain a professional level of communication with him when it is necessary.

Do not go out of your way to find out any details about his life and encourage your co-workers not to tell you any personal information about him. All that does is open the wound again.

Work together as little as possible.

Do not text, email, phone each other. If he is communicating with you like this on a personal level, tell him that you cannot continue your friendship because you wanted more from the relationship. There is nothing to apologize for wanting him to respect your decision and give you the time and space you need in order to heal. Do not allow yourself to get into an argument over your decision as there is no room for compromise.

Get busy. In your personal life you need to get busy and not sit at home thinking about what could have been with this man. Resist the temptation to go over what happened in your mind and focus on the present moment. Surround yourself with your friends and family and try new activities.

With a full social calendar and a positive outlook that the right man will return your love, you will find yourself healing each and every day.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Friendship or Love?

2009-05-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

Damian from Duluth, MN asks:

"OK, let me start off by saying that we have been friends for only a few months. She is a good friend but would like to pursue this even further if its possible. Just kinda confused is all.

We ended up going out for drinks last night, went and picked her up and went to the bar. We had a great time.

Two weeks ago, she asked me to go to a concert with her in July since we are both fans. I said yes and bought the tickets yesterday when they went on sale. I paid for them since she is struggling a bit financially, she said "I will pay you back for the ticket and 1/2 the hotel when I start making more money and get caught up on bills". That's when I said, she wouldn't have to pay me back if this was gonna be a "date". All she said was maybe, for the second time, I brought it up two weeks ago as well....

Now I'm not gonna jump and think this is a no or a yes, just confused I guess. I spent the night at her place last night so I didn't have to drive home after drinking, on the couch though. Even got a kiss before going to sleep. That could have been a "I'm buzzed kiss" though. That's why I don't get the whole maybe bit.

Yeah, it's confusing to say the least. I was actually surprised by the invite to the concert, more out of the blue than anything. It was just something that grabbed my attention the other night when we were out. I was paying attention to any signals she might have been giving out. For example; when we were talking, I had her undivided attention, there was no glancing around the room. Maintained a strong level of eye contact throughout the night as well as the playful hitting that was involved when I teased her on occasion.

If it's just friends, so be it. However, I would certainly hope for more along with way if that is even a possibility.

Any ideas would be helpful."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Damian,

I have found that many people in your situation tend to avoid communicating exactly what their intentions are with each other. Clearly you desire to have a relationship with this woman as opposed to a friendship only arrangement. It is important to get your feelings out in the open, which requires you to be vulnerable.

It certainly can be a little intimidating to open your heart to another person but it is necessary. If you are going to experience the love you seek, you need to be bold and make that move. You are not doing yourself and favors - or her for that matter, by not revealing what you want in a clear manner and then allowing the chips fall where they may. You both deserve lasting love and a friendship arrangement will not work for you if she is not open to pursuing a romantic relationship.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Why Doesn't She Want to Hang Out?

2009-05-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

Andrew from Houston, TX writes:

"Alright, we are in college. She is the type of person who works for perfection on all her classes. She'll sacrifice her social life for better grades. Sometimes when I joke around her she won't laugh at them, maybe I have terrible jokes. The last few weeks before finals we would study at the local Starbuck’s and Barnes and Noble bookstore. At that time she would go out of her way to help with my studies and when I would stare into her eyes, her eyes would dilate for a period of time and we would stare at each and she would have a huge glowing smile. Now, since finals and the spring semester is over and summer vacation has come I haven't hung out with her for at least two weeks, but I would always keep in contact with her every other day. Sometimes she doesn't reply to my text or when I message her online. But at other times we would go into long conversations online. When I ask her to hang out with me on the phone or online, she says, "maybe some other time" or "we'll figure something out". Summer vacation just started last week. Has the chemistry faded away or was there any to begin with?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Andrew,

This young woman appears to be very focused on her college goals which may not include a relationship - or she is already involved with someone else. These are a few possibilities, but no matter what the case, she is not available to you. It is very easy to read more into conversations and answered texts/emails when you are the one wanting that romantic connection. I do encourage you to stop running after someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you. The right person will want to be with you and will be open emotionally so you can share each other’s lives. Even though you are just starting out in life and deciding what you want to do, know that it is never too early to have a solid visual image of the type of person you would like to end up with long term. You can allow life and relationships to happen to you, or you can take charge and bring positive experiences and people towards you!

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Is this love?

2009-05-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Jessica from Harrodsburg asks:

"This guy that I like just recently agreed to be my boyfriend. The only problem is, we don't live in the same state, neither of us have a car, and he seems to have lost his sex drive. I believe it may be because before we got together, whenever he wanted to engage in phone sex, I didn't really give him the impression that I wanted it, though I did it anyway. So my question is, what are some things I can do to help him get his sex drive back, or what can I do to make him desire me again?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Jessica,

Long distance relationships are a challenge to keep alive at best and you give the impression that this guy really is not ready emotionally, physically or spiritually to engage in this type of commitment. I do encourage you to take a look at what you want out of a relationship and make definite goals about the type of person you want to attract into your life. Physical intimacy is something that should be shared within a marriage and it is through dating that you find a person who brings the qualities and characteristics that are appealing to you. There is nothing wrong about saving yourself for the right person and being committed to high standards for what you have to offer in a future committed relationship. Showing yourself respect is the only way to have other people treat you with respect. I know this may seem like a relationship to you, but it is not and you are too young to devote a lot of time, energy and effort into trying to make yourself into a fantasy image for this guy and engaging in activities you do not want to do. There is a wonderful guy who will love you as much as you love him and will not ask you to do things that are degrading and inappropriate.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

I Think He's Married - or Engaged

2009-05-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

Dee from Cheektowaga, NY writes:

"Im in love with this guy but we are from different countries. I’m from America but he’s from Pakistan. We’ve known each other for a year now and we are considered as lovers. He always says he loves me but I have a feeling he has a fiance waiting for him back home or he’s married back there . When I asked him he said no because he’s only 21. He said that his mom wants him to go back there in this summer in June to get engaged, but he acts like he has feelings for me. What I’m trying to figure out is should I end the relationship? And if I should break up with him how can I do it without me wishing to be back with him?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Dee,

It is time you had a serious discussion with this guy and get a straight answer from him about his marital status. Either you already have the information you need or your intuition is telling you that he is not available. Whatever the case, you need to know before this relationship goes any further.

If he is either getting engaged this summer, already engaged, or even married, you must end it right now. There is no ideal way to break up with someone and not have a few lingering feelings of heartbreak. You have given this person a part of your heart and that always causes a feeling of loss even though you initiate the breakup and have a desire to move forward with your life. Even with that in mind, you must end it because you will not be able to find true and lasting love while in a relationship with someone who is not available.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Can Our Marriage Recover?

2009-05-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Oscar from San Antonio asks:

"My wife is cheating with her co-worker and she told me it’s over. I talked her into giving us a second chance. She said she is confused and that she needs to find herself (be more independent, whether she loves me or not). I'm very desperate and need guidance."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Oscar,

It is always very difficult to go through this type of crisis in a marriage and I understand how painful it must be to find out your wife has been unfaithful. Because she is willing to give your relationship a chance, I encourage you to start fighting for your marriage and get to the heart of why she felt she was not getting the love, support and attention she desires within your relationship.

There is a void in her life and I believe that through marriage counseling you can work through these issues and build a stronger bond. Please take the initiative and do not delay - even if you begin working with a counselor alone at first. You need to be very proactive during this time so you can reach the goal of not only restoring your marriage, but building a solid and lasting foundation of mutual trust, love, respect and faith.

I believe that it is during these times that when you call out to God and sincerely ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance, you will receive the strength and direction you need in order to heal your marriage.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

His Jealousy Game is Starting to Work

2009-05-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Crystal Asks:

One question.

There is this guy who is three years older than me, goes to my college and I can tell he likes me. I see immaturity.

But if he likes me, why has he been acting weird? It's complicated.

He's texting me almost everyday and wants to know what I'm doing and what I'm up to. He wants to constantly take me out for lunch. Yet, I can see that he acts weird as if he is jealous. He asks me who I am texting when I was merely looking up music one day. I told him that I have to know someone very well for at least more than a year to see if there could be something more and he replied Hmm.. I think it's worth it.

Okay.. so I think he is a jerk because it seems he is playing games with me when he says, "I'm going to my friends house - she's my coworker" and texting me at 12:50 a.m. "Just got home." and so forth. When I have turned him down softly because I had plans. Yet he still constantly keeps wanting to go out with me, I told him as "friends" and he told my girlfriend it was sort of a date. Eh... so much to say.

But I wanted to ask why is this guy playing? I believe he's trying to make me jealous because he is? It's weird though I've only met him five times. I don't know. But jealousy games don’t work with me they only piss me off and make me want him to stop talking to me. I'm not that type of girl that plays games.

What do you think of this situation?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Crystal,

It is not as complicated as you are making this out to be. You have described a guy who is an immature, jealous, possessive jerk who pursues multiple women. Does this sound like a person you would recommend to a good friend? Of course not - so simply stop texting this guy, stop replying to his texts and get a clearer idea of what you do want in a future relationship. I assure you, when you take charge of the type of person you want to attract and treat yourself with dignity, then you will see a huge change in your social circle.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Why Can't He Leave Her for Me?

2009-05-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Sad from Trinidad asks Nancy

"I met this guy four years ago and it was love at first sight. We were really close friends who talked about each and everything with one another. However after a year and a half due to work, we lost touch with one another. I found someone who was really insecure and did not want me talking to any other guy besides him. So whenever my first friend called me, my boyfriend would get really upset and and angry so I decided to cut all communication period. About a year and a half after we got back in contact and to my surprise my friend informed me he had a baby. I was in total shock and disbelieve, and since then we kept in touch. We even took our past friendship to a whole new level. But the thing is he is telling me we can’t have a full pledge relationship with me because of his girlfriend. The only reason they are still together is because of his daughter. But we sneak out and spend the night together and talk on the phone most of the day. He pledges his love to me and I happen to do the same. The situation is so messed up, My boyfriend started abusing me so I called it quits with him. My friend is still with his baby mama and me, but I can’t understand why?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Sad,

The key to relationships is treating yourself with love and respect and expecting that same treatment in return. You appear to have a core belief that you do not deserve an emotionally healthy relationship and are attracted to the highs and lows of high chemistry relationships. I know right now because it is happening to you, this appears to be a very complicated matter. If you take a step back, you will see the common denominator is you! We like to believe that it is the other person who needs to conform their way of thinking, but in fact it is always about us - who we are attracting, the feelings associated with that attraction and those circumstances we are trying to recreate in our romantic relationships from childhood.

You did make a decision to move forward with your life with someone else and then find it shocking that this man did the same. My advice is to stop seeing this man right now because he is clearly not available to you for a relationship. If you stay, all you will receive is the breadcrumbs - little moments here and there. I encourage you to examine why you believe this is acceptable behavior. You are more than worthy of a relationship with a man who is happy to be with you full time in a committed relationship. Someone who loves only you. But first you need to do some emotional and spiritual work and figure out how you arrived at this place and start visualizing where you want to be in the future with the right person.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Should I have said "I love you?"

2009-05-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

Kris from Orange, TX asks:

"Okay, so I met this guy about two years ago. We have never actually dated...but we have both told each other numerous times that we like each other. We had our first real kiss last summer right before school started, but I’m in a grade higher than he is and so I went to high school and I kinda ruined it with us by not talking to him for a few months. Anyways...he just now started dating this one girl who I used to be friends with but she is in his grade so we never talk anymore either. It seems like they really like each other. Well the other night I told him over text that I love him. He texted me back and was like what? So I was like sorry and he goes, who texted that? I go me? But I’m sorry. And he goes do you really? And at the time, I couldn’t find my phone charger so I told him that I couldn’t really talk at all so I’d just text him later. So I texted him again the day after that and I was like hey.. and he hasn’t talked to me since the night I told him I loved him. But now all over his MySpace is his girlfriend and how much he thinks she is the one for him, and how they love each other. Well I really don’t know what to do because I mean I know him and he knows me more than any other person! So like, I REALLY need some help..... but I just don’t know what to do? He also lives RIGHT BEHIND ME so its kind of hard since I have to see his house... (and I also used to be really super close to and his mom and his little brother like we used to be best friends) Please help!!!!!!!??????"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Kris,

What you need to do is take a deep breath and stop obsessing over this guy and the fact that you told him that you loved him - even though I believe you were not really motivated by a true feeling of love. I encourage you to expand your social horizon and start meeting people in high school who are available to date you. I get the impression that this young man became very appealing to you once he was unavailable and dating a former friend of yours. What you are trying to to by declaring your supposed love for him is sabotage what he has with this girl. The only two people who know if this relationship is the real thing or not is the two involved. If you were serious about being involved with this guy, you would have pursued it long before he met someone else. I know it is difficult to see at the moment, but your life is just getting started and it is important that you are very clear in your own mind about what you want in the future in a relationship - and what your goals are in dating. You do not want to establish a pattern of getting involved or in the middle of existing relationships and trying to make something work that it not meant to be with someone who is unavailable. If you start down this path, it will be hard to break that cycle as the dramatics of this dynamic can become very addictive. I encourage you to look at married couples that you admire and see how they treat each other. It is never too early to have these positive visualizations in your mind so that when the time is right, you will be able to attract the right guy who will love you as much as you love him.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Can this Long Distance Relationship Survive?

2009-05-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

John from Los Angeles asks:

"Hi there, first of all thank you for taking the time to read this situation and question. I have been with my high school sweetheart for about five years. We met in high school in Los Angeles and she moved to Irvine for four years of college while I was at UCLA. We kept our long distance relationship so well and we constantly met and talked on the phone and webcam and all that. Every other weekend either I went there or she came here since her Mom lives in Los Angeles. Now I have finished college and got accepted to Chicago medical school and she is graduating from Irvine this June and will be back home. I don't know what to do. I have been away from her because she moved out to college and now that we have been waiting for this moment for her to come back, I might be leaving. I know I love her so much and she loves me a lot too. We plan to get married and we both want to go to the career of medicine. Our families are okay with that too. I do not want to lose her. What should I do? Should I leave her and go away for four years to Chicago? It is harder to meet each other and definitely won’t be as much as it has been now. It will be even more long distance. Please help or at least give me some advice. I am totally lost and depressed."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear John,

First of all, congratulations on your acceptance to medical school. That is an awesome accomplishment and a goal that I’m sure you have had for many years. I understand your dilemma about your relationship and the fears that are trying to deter you from this next step in your education. You do not want to lose what you have in your relationship but at the same time cannot let go of this dream to pursue your medical career. I encourage you not to imagine the worst and start focusing on how you want this long term relationship to be kept alive and thriving. As you were able to visualize yourself graduating from college and getting accepted to medical school, you need to apply the same tools to your relationship. Visualize how close and connected your relationship will stay and even deepen during this temporary stage in your relationship. If you believe it will be harder and you won’t see her as much, then you will bring that exact experience into your life. Talking with your girlfriend about your strong love for her and the future you see with her will help alleviate these fears that are trying to keep you from your destiny. You probably will find that she is excited about your plans and has nothing but joy and optimism for your future together. That is one of the components of true and lasting love - being supportive of each other’s dreams, aspirations and life goals.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Friendship Boundaries

2009-05-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

Walter from Los Angeles, CA writes:

"My wife doesn’t really like any of her childhood buddies. She likes my friends and actually communicates with them more than I do! They send her text messages with general conversational stuff, they contact her for plans, and I just don’t know how to feel about all of this. It makes me uneasy. Am I being overly cautious?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Walter,

On the positive side, your wife enjoys the company of your friends and wants to spend time with them. Many times in marriages the opposite happens and the husband feels he is in a position to choose between his good buddies and his wife.

Since your intuition is sending you caution alerts, I encourage you to explore why you feel uneasy with your wife communicating with your friends. If she is setting up plans without you, then I do believe that is not in the best interest of your marriage. Even as innocent as something like this starts, there is a tendency for men and women to form intimate, emotional connections that should be reserved for only spouses.

If she is friendly with the wives of your good friends and they are getting together without you, then I do not see anything to worry about in that scenario. As a Christian, I believe we must guard our hearts at all times and be very mindful of who we associate with and not place ourselves in potentially tempting situations.

This is not a question of loyalty in your marriage per se, but it is a wise practice in any committed relationship. Guarding and cherishing what you have together, realizing how precious your emotional and spiritual connection is in your relationship will keep the marriage from being taken for granted.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Love or Friends with Benefits?

2009-04-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Julie from Portland, Oregon writes:

"A few years ago I met a guy, whom I dated for a while. I would often lose touch for long periods of time (I would stop calling, emailing, texting, IMing, etc) not because I wasn't interested, only because I wasn't really into him at the time and I had a lot going on. We would meet up once in a while for breakfast or lunch every six months or so. Over the past year, I got out of a bad relationship, and he shortly broke up with his girlfriend thereafter. Ever since, we have communicated more often and we have gotten much closer and have a much stronger bond (in my opinion).

Over the past three months, we have gotten back into dating each other. We have seen each other every week now it seems (probably would more if our schedules weren’t so conflicting), and after four years of friendship, we are now intimate. I know he cares about me, because he often expresses so. He is always telling me “I deserve someone better than the men I've dated in the past", tells me I'm beautiful every chance he gets, calls me pet names like, sweetie, baby doll and love (but has always called me sweets), has posted pictures of me and the two of us together on his personal websites, things of that sort.

So for now, I guess my question is, should I count on this going anywhere? Does this guy who has been my friend all these years want more, am I friends with benefits (which is something I don’t want to be, btw)? I care about this guy very much, and I don’t want to lose him, problem is, I’m falling for him, and afraid of telling him so. I’d rather have him in my life as a friend, that not in my life at all…

I know, my best bet, is to ask him direct…I was just hoping to get another’s point of view on the situation.

Thanks so much!"

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Julie,

As hesitant as you are about putting the whole relationship/friendship on the line, now is the time to make sure your goals are in sync with each other. There is not any easier way to address this issue other than expressing your feelings for him and then hear what he says. It certainly can be uncomfortable to be completely honest and vulnerable by sharing your heart with this guy, but you do need to know before you have too much invested emotionally. If you do not have the same goals, it is better to know now so you can be open to the right relationship coming into your life. The years have a way of going by so quickly and you are at an age where you need to be very mindful of who you are allowing into your life.

It is my belief from a Christian perspective that being intimate before marriage does not lead to God’s best for a life long committment. I say this in sincerity because there is such a high tendency for this type of confusion to set in and block the love that you seek. Once you have communicated your feelings, anything less than his expression of love for you and the goal of wanting to mary you needs to be your signal to stop this course your romantic life has taken. A trap many women fall into is very similar to what you are experiencing. The guy will say that he is unsure of what he wants and says he would like to see where what you have together leads. From my years of work as a matchmaker, I can tell you with certainty that men do know what they want and when they meet the right woman, she will know without question.

Many people decide to stay in relationships that are fine - not what they consider the loves of their lives - but comfortable because of past history, mutual interests and friendship. While friendship is a component of a solid foundation for a long term relationship leading to marriage, it is very important that you know now if this guy is making the transition to love or if he’s thinking more along the lines of friends with benefits. It is my belief that your intuition is telling you he is not wanting to progress into a committed relationship, which is why you asked the question in the first place. Please follow that inner voice and know that this is one of the main ways God tries to communicate to us when we are making decisions that can alter life courses. Once you have taken this step of faith and are not willing to compromise of what you want in a relationship, God will open the best door to love. It will be more than you can imagine!

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

How Can I Tell if She's Interested?

2009-04-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

Jake from England asks:

"There is a girl that I am interested in however how can I tell that she is interested in me? She's always laughing and smiling around me. That seems to merely be her personality. I also fear she is laughing at me not with me.

I also wish to ask does true love exist or is it merely a fairy tale? When I look in her eyes it feels like magic."

Nancy's Relationship Advice:

Dear Jake,

I encourage you to simply express your feelings to this young lady and ask her how she feels about you. She may share in the attraction or may like you as a good friend. Either way, you have gained what appears to be a warm and upbeat person in your life.

To answer your other question, true love does exist. It happens when there is a solid foundation of genuine friendship, mutual trust, respect, shared faith, – and of course, love. True and lasting love takes time to develop whereas attraction is purely physical.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Why doesn't she love me?

2009-04-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

Baron from India asks

"So I don’t know how to put my prob in words….but here’s an attempt. All throughout 11th grade I was never social and kept away from girls, its not that I am a geeky kind of guy. I mean that I haven’t gone out with a girl yet because I don’t want to fall into crushes and all that. I am just another average guy.

So this started about 6 months ago… near half way through my senior year … there was this girl in my class and we started to chat over the net and then I mustered some courage ( I am really shy in front of girls) and started talking to her and soon we were nice if not good friends. She knew all about my crushes and well we used to laugh about it. So keeping it short I am totally in love with her. It’s not that puppy love kind of thing, I have had my fair share of crushes and limerances too but this is different. The feelings have never been more intense.

But I know that she won’t ever say yes and considers me nothing more than a friend and I know that I can’t live without her. And it was only a while ago that I learned that she likes a guy too. Now this may seem complicated but here’s a short summary…: she likes the guy who knows that she likes him but he doesn’t like her and the girl knows that. Moreover the girl also knows that I truly love her and yet she won’t say yes to me because she still likes that guy.

I really want her to be happy, even if it means that she’s with some other guy but its killing me inside knowing that she’ll never be in my arms, that she cant be mine ever. And right now I am so messed up that I don’t know what to do, whether to cry or to laugh, whether to smile or to frown. I don’t even feel alive right now and I just have no idea what to do next. Please help me."

Nancy's Relationship Advice Reply:

Dear Baron,

It is important to remember that in order to experience love, you first need to be courageous and extend your love to another – which you have to this young woman. However, there always is the chance that your love will not be returned – at least not in the manner in which you would like it to be returned. You have acquired a good friend which is always a blessing and having the ability to establish a friendship is a major component of a solid, lasting relationship in love.

I completely understand how heartbreaking it is right now to realize that the person you love does not see you in the same light and is looking for love from someone who does not reciprocate her feelings. Right now, it may appear that life is meaningless without her romantic love, but know that God will open the right door to love in His perfect timing.

Many people are attracted to those who are not emotionally available to them. Logically, it does not make sense but from their life experiences and relationship role models, that feeling of trying to win over another person’s love and affection is very appealing. You probably have heard that the only person you can change is yourself – and it is that perspective which will allow you to gain wisdom from everything you go through.

From my perspective, this experience has allowed you to gain self-confidence around the opposite sex and given you valuable tools you will be able to take into future relationships. I strongly encourage you to talk to your parents about what you are feeling –and expressing your pain and sorrow is the start of the healing process. Keeping to yourself only magnifies negativity and brings you further down in spirit.

Baron, you have much to accomplish in life and the right person for you will be a huge blessing in your life. There is nothing more cherished and fulfilling that being in a relationship where mutual love is shared – and God has that kind of love in store for you! He placed that dream in your heart and it will come to pass at the perfect moment.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your relationship question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

Can this friendship become love?

2009-04-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Karstens from Moline, IL asks:

"There is a guy I've known for not quite two years that I share a fairly deep friendship with. We met through our older brothers, who are good friends, and through school activities. I really like him but am not sure whether love is the right word because I've never had feelings like this before. He has a girlfriend that he's been with for a couple of years, so I don't want to make a move and ruin the relationship. What can I do?"

Nancy's Relationship Advice Reply:

Dear Karstens,

I believe one can have strong feelings of brotherly type love towards people we consider friends. Because you have never had feelings like this before, it is understandable that you may not know how to categorize it. You shared that this young man has a girlfriend, so he is not romantically available. When you establish a deepen emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex, you are walking a fine line. Many times those lines get blurred and intimate feelings are shared which should not be.

Please do not make a move which will not only ruin his relationship, but also the friendship you have with each other. If you are finding yourself wanting more than friendship with him, then I encourage you to broaden your social network and start spending time with a variety of people.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

She wants friendship, I want a relationship

2009-04-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

Kully from Derby, UK asks:

Question:

"I met this girl three years ago and we seem to have hit it off the first time we met each other. After a few months she began to drift away from me, but me I fell for her in a big way. She made me her friend and I have to accept that or lose her. Everyday I dream about her and I know if she finds someone else I will not want to live. I have offered her everything a girl can wish for but she says we can only be friends. What gets me is that she cooks for me and invites me around and we hug each other and do kiss, but not a deep kiss just pecks here and there. I love her so much it's affecting my job now. What should i do? She is my soul mate."

Nancy's Relationship Advice Reply:

Dear Kully,

It is so heartbreaking when the love we send out to another person is not returned in the same manner. She appears to care for you, but as she has clearly stated she cares for you as a friend only. Eventually, she will find someone she loves romantically. When that day comes, it will be difficult for you to accept if you continue fantasizing that she may change her mind about you if you give her enough time.

Your true soul mate will be a woman who loves you back and wants to share her life with you. The underlying issue that needs to be addressed is why you are attracted to someone who is unavailable to you. When you have taken that courageous step towards discovering the core beliefs about love that have brought you to this place, you will be on the right path towards love with your true soul mate.

Do you have a relationship issue you are trying to work though?

Email your question to Nancy and receive a personal reply!

I can't live with or without her

2009-04-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

Stormy Mind asks:

"I am so lost and do not know what to do. I used to be an extremely confident and happy man with my whole life ahead of me. I was working in my field of study while in college and living the good life. I was an independent thinker and wanted to travel the world while working. I had dreams and goals.

I started dating my best friends cousin, who just got out of a five year relationship. She lived with the guy and was "engaged" to him...she says she did it to please her family. I was technically the second real boyfriend she had. Things were wonderful and she fell deeply in love. she would come over all the time and even told my mother that she loved me more than she ever loved the other guy...and this was after three months!

She had confidence issues and no true friends. She said she wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I told her that, while the idea wasn't wrong, that I was definitely not ready. She was very needy and would not leave my side. It turned out she was heavier in high school and had no real friends besides the ones we shared. I spent over a year pushing her to become better. We broke up once when I told her she was suffocating me, and that was for three days.

After I graduated, I could not find work right away. She had a friend who worked in this office, so she pushed me to take an office job. She worked in her family business and wasn’t happy, so I pushed her to take a job there too. Big mistake.

She loved it. I hated it. She was making more money than before and meeting new people. I could not stand coming into work every day. My identity was fading and I became depressed. She still loved me and wanted a future. I did not even know what the following year would bring.

She then broke up with me, citing that she wanted someone she could be with in the long run. After everything I put into it. She started talking to a co-worker and it crushed me.

After a month, she realized she couldn’t do without, so we got back...AGAIN. While we both thought we both had changed, things got back to the way they were. she was too needy, and I had become almost separated from myself, not knowing what to do with myself. As much as she cared and loved me, I couldn’t help shake the idea that she only loved me because she loved having someone and didn’t have confidence to find another. I lost confidence altogether.

After a HUGE incident a year and a half after us dating, I broke it off one last time. I felt she was selfish and after our second breakup, I couldn’t even bring her to my family, which didn’t like her and felt she was trying to "steal" me.

She is my best friend. She is tied to all parts of my life. I see her at work. God forbid, I love her. She has changed so much. She now supports what I always wanted to do, while before, she never wanted me to leave, so she always pushed me away from it. She tells me she love me and still wants to be with me. We see each other and sometimes have sex too. She keeps pushing for me to make a decision with her. I have no idea what to do anymore.

Today, she tells me she is tired of waiting and went to the movies with some random guy she met. She said she only wants me but really cant wait forever for me to get my life together. I told her I just wanted to love myself first before I can truly commit myself. I think I am going crazy.

While all this seems super drama filled, we both care for and love each other. We both know each other more than anyone else. I used to be able to just walk away from something like this, but i cant. My heart just rips when i even think about her with someone else. Is it just withdrawals, do I really love this girl, or do I just suck it up and move on?

I don't know anymore.

Nancy Answers:

Dear Stormy mind,

I completely understand how difficult it is to be so torn in love. It is easy to get so caught up in the details and then miss the bigger picture of the situation. All drama aside, I encourage you to look at the basics of this issue:

First, you do not feel you love yourself and without that self-love you cannot love another person in a healthy manner. No matter who is in your life romantically, until you work through these barriers to love, you will be in the same situation.

Second, you have different relationship goals - she wants to get married and you are not willing to commit. Of course your unwillingness to commit to her is directly connected to your lack of self love. After so much time together and shared memories, it is understandable that you do not want to let her go, but at the same time find yourself in the same place in your relationship when you are together. This is really not uncommon as when one tries to go back to former relationships, the same familiar relationship pattern reemerges.

I know this will be difficult to do, but I do strongly encourage you to let this woman go, which means no intimate, emotional conversations, no sex and no sabotaging her efforts to move forward with her personal and profession life. You cannot provide what she needs and she cannot give what you need. By being in each other’s lives, but not really having mutually shared relationship goals, you are both in limbo. And keeping each other in that place is not only unhealthy, but also selfish.

You state that you are unhappy in your work environment and not working in your chosen field. Finding another position needs to be another priority so you can develop and refine the talents that God has blessed you with and achieve the dreams He has placed in your heart.

Also, you need to make self-reflection and emotional healing an immediate goal. There are reasons why you gravitated towards this woman in the first place. It appears that you have a fear of being vulnerable and that issue must be explored and healed in order for you to be emotionally whole and able to attract true and lasting love. Although from your perspective, it seems like everything in your life was going great until you met this woman, I assure you that these relationship patterns developed long before she came into the picture. Your romantic relationships are the catalyst to bring them to the forefront. And all of this is good because it means you are now aware that you have emotional work to do and will be stronger when the right door to love opens in God’s perfect will and timing.

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Please send an email for a personal response from relationship expert Nancy Pina

Is our marriage worth saving?

2009-04-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

Zach from Portland asks:

"Married/Together with my wife for 10 years. We have two young children. She's declared that she loves me, but is not "in love" with me. We have a great partnership, get along wonderfully (with the exception of this dilemma), have two beautiful children, parent well together.

What she claims to be lacking is the passion, the desire, the chemistry.

We have been processing through this for six months. I fell deeply into the quicksand of inadequacy and introspection to really see where I was out of integrity. I have demonstrated my commitment to the marriage in many ways, from my presence with my family, to creating special time for us to connect. Nothing has shifted for her.

Recently, she took up salsa dancing and found a new source of expression for herself. She "turned on" and it felt good. She also attracted another man, who she was beginning to have an affair with and lied and hid it from me until I discovered an email she wrote to him saying that she couldn't wait to be in his arms again."

The affair is over, no infidelity, but it was going there.

Recently, we've been discussing the option of a legal separation, but then she gets cold feet.

There is a tremendous amount of back and forth, her coming close to me and wanting me to comfort her, but then her position of not desiring me or thinking that I cannot give her what she needs comes back and we're right back where we started.

My question is...with my family and my marriage at stake, where do I stand. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't desire me. I want love to flow into our lives. But I do love her, desire her, and want to continue building the beautiful life we have.

But it seems for her, this question of desire is a deal breaker and outweighs everything else.

Part of me wants to move on, but I'm pulled back for my love and for the sake of our long term marriage and especially for our children.

Where do I stand powerfully in this situation?"

Dear Zach,
Understanding her feelings requires looking at the issue from several directions. First of all, people are motivated to marry for a variety of reasons and many women in particular select mates who provide them with a sense of security. All our actions and motivations are based in core beliefs that were ingrained in us from childhood. It is through the beliefs our parents taught us and those relationship dynamics that lead us to adult decisions and choices, especially in love.

Reading between the lines of your email, it is quite possible the initial attraction that led your wife to marry you was the financial security and stability you brought to the table. That need surpassed her desire for emotional validation and connection at that time. This does not mean she does not love you or that your relationship is not real, but she is hiding something from you and that is the barrier that prevents the two of you from emotionally connecting. So what is she hiding? She may have presented a certain facade in the beginning of your relationship to try and become the woman you perceive is the perfect wife and mother. People can go through the motions of a relationship for years - raising a family and creating a home life. That does not mean that inside they feel they are living a lie. From your perspective it may appear that after ten years she has changed overnight and all of sudden she sees your marriage in a different light, but I assure you this was not a recent feeling.

You use an interesting phrase in your email and say that you really wanted to see where you were out of integrity. Words are very powerful and feeling that your integrity was not where it should have been indicates that perhaps you slipped into an emotional affair as well. I am mindful that I only have a glimpse of what is going on in your relationship, but do understand that this issue is not her problem, but one that involves you too.

From my viewpoint, something happened recently that set the chain of events in motion whereas the facade was too difficult to maintain. There is a reason why she goes back and forth and believes you cannot meet her emotional needs. Your relationship provides a sense of security she must have in her life based on her core beliefs, but the need for real emotional connection cannot be suppressed any longer. So she does not really want a separation but neither does she want to feel emotionally empty.

The passion that your wife is seeking is an emotional connection she is not receiving from you in the manner that makes her feel important, special and desired. Each one of us wants to feel this way in our committed relationships and what we need from our mate is unique. What many people do is give their love in accordance to the way they want to receive love. While these gestures and expressions of love are more than likely appreciated, it is highly possible those are not the things that make your wife feel loved and desired. And it is my belief that is the reason why she was so vulnerable to an emotional affair.

It is the responsibility of both people in the relationship to clearly communicate what they want and for the other person to follow through. You stated that you have demonstrated your commitment to the marriage in many ways but from what you have written, it is not resonating with her. A marriage does not get to this place overnight, nor does it rebound with a few quick fixes. I understand that six months seems like forever, but I encourage you to look at the state of your relationship not in a self-critical mode (which is not constructive) but in a manner that allows you to see the marriage from her perspective.

It will take mutual effort, determination and resolve to fight for your marriage and family together. I strongly encourage you to take bold steps and make up your mind that your wife is the number one priority in your life (next to your relationship with God) and then act on that declaration. An impartial third part such as a counselor is highly recommended to keep your progress on track. Nothing in this world is more important than your wife and children and I encourage you not to sit on the fence. Be forthright and strongly committed to not only saying that you want your marriage to work out but following those words up with actions.

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Please send an email

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What are proper work relationship boundaries?

2009-04-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Phil asks:

"I have a very close female friend in my office. She is more comfortable with me than other staffs. She consults with me for each and every thing which is related to work and some personal problems also. She is not married but I am. She touches me quite often in my hands, shoulders and even sometime she touches me with her knees on my legs when she is talking to me. Sometimes she plays with her hair, adjust her clothes, plays with her jewelry when she comes to my office cabin. At times we have some flirtatious or sexy talks and jokes. She has a boyfriend who is a close friend of mine. Whenever I call her when she is with her boyfriend she does not answer it or she is very formal and wants to finish the call. But she calls me back immediately once she is away from him. I want to know she is just a friend or she is interested in me."

Dear Phil,

To start, I believe you should ask yourself, Why am I having an emotional affair with my close friends girlfriend? Understandably, one of the primary components of the foundation of marriage is monogamy. Have no illusions that this type of behavior is leading you down a path towards a physical affair. You can say the words, I love my wife, but your behavior and actions with this woman convey the message that you are available.

To answer your question, I believe she is interested in you, but more than likely she is interested simply because you are not available. If you were available, chances are you would not be appealing to her and vice-versa. I strongly encourage you to take a good look at what your life would be like if your wife found out that you are having an emotional affair or if it escalated to a physical affair. Do you want to risk losing everything you value? Many marriages can be repaired after such a revelation, but I can assure you that there usually is lingering trust issues that may never be fully restored.

Many times we allow our minds to deceive us by rationalizing that this person is simply a friend. By opening the door to be her confidante, you are playing with emotional fire and allowing yourself to become more involved with her life than is appropriate for a married man. Breaking off this relationship will not be easy because it is satisfying a need for emotional validation which you may not be receiving at home. However, looking at the core of what is driving this behavior will be one of the keys to create an emotionally healthy environment in your marriage.

How do I tell if she really likes me?

2009-04-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Brandon from Shelby, MI asks Nancy:

Question:

"I need help on what to ask my girlfriend about our relationship because I am not sure if she really likes me a whole lot. I think she might just like me because I am a state medalist in wrestling but I have no idea. So I am just wanting to ask a expert. What can I ask her to be sure that she is really into me and not into some other guys?"

Dear Brandon,

I believe the best approach is to ask your girlfriend straightforward questions about your relationship. I encourage you to start by telling her how you feel about her and what she means to you to lay the foundation for this conversation. By being vulnerable first, you then allow her to express her feelings towards you. I would then ask about her feelings towards you and if she desires an exclusive relationship with you. If her actions recently have led you to believe that she is dating you because of your accomplishments or appears to be attracted to other guys, then this is the time to address those concerns and get everything out in the open. One of the mistakes many people make in dating is pretending that everything is great while their intuition is telling them otherwise. I encourage you to not rationalize away your feelings, as they are very valid. Speak from your heart and those words will definitely guide you in the right direction. Although it can be painful to find out that the person you want to have a relationship is not as serious about it as you, it is much better end something that is not meant to be rather than staying in a relationship that does not share the same goals or has your best interests at heart.

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